Valentine Weekend of Love

Friday was Valentine’s Day so I decided to buy myself some roses, 12 red roses, in fact. A young male cashier served me and with a quizzical expression on his face he said, “Roses?” Yes, I said they’re for me! He couldn’t mask his surprise, I had wanted to tell him they were for the person I loved the most, me! But I wasn’t sure how he’d react to that. It’s not something you normally hear people say.

Continuing with my Valentine-themed weekend I decorated my living room bay window with paper hearts that reflected the light and because they were made from super thin paper, the slightest air current spun the hearts around in a hypnotic way. I think I’ll keep these hearts in my window for now, they remind me of the love I’ve had and the love I still have to give.

This leads to a rather sensitive topic, dating. For the last 3 years, going out on dates has not been high on my list. But I’ve decided to change that, partly in response to my decision to keep writing this blog and in the name of research. How pretentious I feel calling it research!

I believe that thoughts become things and have been an avid reader of Notes from the Universe for 10 + years. I’m so grateful to Mike Dooley for creating those marvellous notes. I remember sitting on a bus with Mike going to Macchu Pichu last year. I told him I wasn't sure what I should do next. "Simple," he said, " be of service to others". Another reason to continue writing. I hope that my words will touch others.

Anyway back to dating. Once I decided to date, the opportunities appeared. Over Valentine's weekend, I went out to lunch on Saturday and Sunday with 2 different men. Their names have been altered to protect their identities.

Angus was a close friend of a friend, we’d been out as a group once or twice but never just the two of us. We had a good lunch over a glass of wine and then we went to the Ed Sheeran exhibition at Christchurch Mansion. I’ve been out to lunch with men before but always in the context of business, so I was acutely aware of how different this felt, no agenda, just a getting to know each other better. Lunch with a man is also completely different to lunch with a girlfriend, a kind of sexual energy hovers in the air. The conversation is like a dance, a few moments of silence where you wonder if you’ll have anything more to talk about and then onto the next topic. We had plenty to talk about, we got along just fine with Angus offering to cook dinner for me next time!

If you’re wondering why am I writing about a lunch date, for me it’s a huge deal. I married my childhood sweetheart and completely missed out on the whole dating scene. It's like I'm studying a new craft that needs practice. So when I had lunch with Simon the next day I didn't feel quite so unprepared. I’d known Simon for about a year and we have a client therapist relationship which is important to me. I do wonder if stepping outside the boundaries will change our existing relationship.

Lunch was at a different restaurant this time and the conversation centred on one topic, I guess you can imagine what we discussed, I’m not comfortable writing about that here but one day I might be able to explain more. Time went sailing by and lunch was followed by a movie, Parasite, the latest Oscar-winning Best Foreign Film. I discovered that Simon loves films and has an Unlimited Card. He was in his element at Cineworld, he bought the biggest box of popcorn imaginable, a Slush smoothie (I had a bottle of water) and we shared American sweets. Again it was a lovely afternoon, he dropped me home, I wanted to invite him in but something inside me said, No, don't get too close. I like to think I’m spontaneous, I take chances that come my way but this whole love relationship thing is way beyond my comprehension, at least that's how it feels right now.

Perhaps I’m overthinking and I need to lighten up. This quote, apparently by Mark Twain seems appropriate for me right now.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

I have another date on Thursday, all I can say is it could be a roller coaster ride with Malcolm.

#MyPrelovedLife : 17/2/20

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New Ideas Out of the Blue

I've been toying with ways I can use my story to help other people grieving from loss or separation. My plan is to offer my home, currently listed on Airbnb as a place to learn new skills and strategies to move on.

I’ve had people stay with me from all over the world and the feedback is always positive about the energy in my home.

Last year I wrote a blog about how I used Airbnb to combat loneliness and this blog was picked up by ITV news for a feature documentary they were making on the Airbnb Economy. 

I plan to take my Airbnb hosting one step further and offer a nurturing space for people to begin their new solo life journey.

You can join me for the day or for a weekend experience where you stay for 2 nights, arrive on Friday, spend a full Saturday together, leaving after Sunday lunch at the brand new all-vegan pub that's just opened in town.

The day experience will be for a maximum of 5 people, the weekend will be for just one person. 

The weekend events are exclusive, you get to tailor your stay by picking from a range of activities, including:

• Experimenting with colour

• Walking in nature

• Meditation practice

• Making Kimchi

• Journalling

• Preloved shopping

• BE DO HAVE GIVE Exercise

• Discovering the live local music scene ( depending on availability )

• Record a podcast interview

Weekends will be limited, so you'll need to act quickly to reserve your space. Please get in touch if you have any questions.

The reason why I want to offer my home and give time to this new project is that I spent an amazing week with a spiritual coach in Sardinia just a few months after Steve died and it was life-changing. It was pivotal on my journey and helped me to move on. I wrote my first ever poem on the beach during that week too.

I can't promise Sardinia weather but I can promise to listen to you, to help you find a new path whilst still honouring the memories that will always be with you.

Do you know someone who could benefit from this experience? If so perhaps you could share my post.

#MyPrelovedLife : 11/2/20

When the Wick Runs Out

A dear friend gave me a purple candle when Steve died, it was a unique gift which came with a poem. Sadly I didn’t keep the poem but I’ve been using this candle to meditate, on special times when I've needed that extra boost.

Almost 3 years later and this particular candle is nearly spent. The wick is only about ¼ of an inch long. Every time I light this candle, I appreciate every second of its light.

I’ve been thinking about my candle and have realised that when I had the complete candle, I took it for granted, I imagined it would burn forever.

Why do we wait until something has reached the end of its life to appreciate it? Human nature I guess.

It would be difficult to keep everything we’re grateful for in our thoughts, every second of the day but we can set aside times during our busy lives to stop and enjoy what we have. I’m keeping a Gratitude Journal this year, my candle is sure to be included.

My last few meditations with this candle will be extra special. Every time I light the candle I’ll be wondering if this is the last time.

I won’t be sad when it finally sputters out. It’s served me well over the years. I will say good-bye and thank it!

I have already picked another candle to replace my treasured purple one, it will never be the same, that purple candle has too many memories. My new candle will light my room and provide a new focus for my meditations.

“All things that have form eventually decay." -Orochimaru”

I can't believe writing this blog made me cry this morning, thank goodness I have a wonderful Zumba class to change my state to a happy one.

Do you have anything you’re attached to that you’d hate to lose?

#MyPrelovedLife : 3/2/20

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My Failed Saturday Night Sober Pub Crawl

I didn’t fail because I drank alcohol, I failed because I couldn’t find the pub crawllers!

I spent Friday night at home watching back to back episodes of The Vikings, Season 6, and let me tell you it’s not for the faint-hearted. I’d watched the first 4 seasons with Steve, we both enjoyed watching together. I even had an image of Lagertha Lothbruk, Viking Shield Maiden as my screen saver for a while.

It's so much harder to watch The Vikings on your own because it’s so violent, and without a shoulder to bury your face in, I had to resort to pausing the TV, browse my phone for a bit until I was strong enough to continue. I can't have any Viking blood in me!

By the time Saturday night came around I had to go out, staying in 2 weekend nights in a row was not an option for such a social butterfly.

I checked events in Ipswich and found the Weekly Saturday Pub Crawl social, first stop a pub in the centre of town.

I signed up and then thought how weird this is going to be. I'm midway through a self-imposed 21 Days Sober for January challenge. I can do it, a pub crawl without alcohol!

With my free Eventbrite ticket printed out, I was ready for the evening. The only instructions were to arrive at 7.00 pm and wear something purple, I chose a sparkly pair of hand-knitted purple gloves that I’d made myself and a purple scarf.

The bar was packed, I asked for a non-alcoholic bottle of Koppaberg cider served with lots of ice and fruit. It looked just like the alcohol version, it was refreshing too but perhaps a bit too sweet. As the bartender poured my drink I asked her if she knew about the pub crawl group. She had no idea and after a quick walk around the bar checking for purple people and finding no-one, I sat down at a table. I felt a bit awkward, this is not my regular haunt but browsing my phone gave me something to focus on. 

And then as if by magic, 5 people sat down right next to me, a range of ages, one girl and one guy wearing a purple sweatshirt! By this time I’d taken off the gloves and scarf and was in incognito, not a trace of purple insight. I debated whether to introduce myself.

Go For It Girl, I thought and said, “ Excuse me, are you the Saturday Night Pub Crawl Group?” They looked at me, bemused and said, “Yes, we’re on a pub crawl” However, they had no idea about tickets and purple clothing. They were pleasant enough, loved that I was from Barry. ( It seems like everyone watched the Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special ), they even invited me to tag along with them. We chatted for about 10 minutes but once my glass was empty, I decided to go, my group had already started to drift towards 1:1 conversations.

On the walk home I decided the experience was worthwhile and my sober challenge was still rock solid with no awkward questions asked and I still had the Vikings waiting for me at home.

Today’s mission as a solo adventurer didn’t quite work out but I felt pleased with myself for trying something new. 

Till next time.

Have you ever been on a pub crawl, sober?

#MyPrelovedLife : 20/1/20

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How to Survive New Years Eve Solo

I love New Year, I like setting my intentions for the coming year, sometimes I chose 3 words to represent the year. This year for 2020 I’ve chosen these words, connections, creativity and adventure.

What words would you choose?

I somehow knew it was going to be a strange New Year's Eve, my sons were all doing their own thing in different parts of the world, one had tickets for the Tropicana Club in Havana (that’s on my bucket list for sure). Some friends were staying home but I had this unshakeable desire to go to my local pub, the Duke, even if it meant going alone.

Could I do it?

As soon as there's a challenge, that’s it, I know I have to give it a go. I always get this excited feeling around New Year and this year was no different. I found my sparkliest dress to wear, I took extra care over my makeup and used my brightest red lipstick to complete my look. At the last minute, I decided to record a video describing my blog writing plans for the coming year.

Setting up the equipment took longer than I imagined, it felt like time was speeding up with just a few hours to go till midnight. I had to go, with no time to pack away my tripod and lights, I left everything and rushed up to the pub. As soon as I walked in I realised this wasn't going to be easy, there are New Year's Eve conventions, you go to the pub with your mates, your family. There were no other single women at the pub. I scanned the place, I saw only one person sitting on their own, someone I knew and who’d been at the pub a long time judging by how he slurred! I went over to say Hi, received a hug that was just too familiar and from which I had to pull away quickly before moving to the other side of the bar where Abby the DJ was playing a lively set.

I’d already decided not to drink much but I couldn’t resist a couple of glasses of Cwtch Gin, ( a lovely Welsh word that means a hug). Somehow everything was a reminder that I was on my own. My gin was served in a huge glass, with plenty of ice topped up with a bottle of Fever-tree tonic, so good.

When people have been drinking for hours, when shots of Sambuca are lined up on the bar in anticipation of the countdown to midnight, my discomfort started to grow. After some strong self-talk, I decided to throw myself into the dancing, I enjoyed dancing to Jump Around by House of Pain but as we got closer to midnight the music turned cheesy. Dancing Queen was the last straw, it was time to sit at the bar and act cool!

Connections is one of my 2020 words and that’s just what I did, I chatted to new people. There seemed to be more men than women, so it wasn’t long before I met Gordon, a sweet man, 56 years old, from Scotland and a wannabee singer-songwriter ( his words). I soon became part of his gang, his friends were the first to give me New Year kisses, I received 2 from Gordon, he’d obviously forgotten the earlier one!

As I looked around, just one smashed glass on the floor, the air steamy, young couples snogging, embracing each other tightly, reaffirming their love for each other, I started to well up with emotion. I made a snap decision to leave and at just 3 minutes past midnight, I slipped out of the pub without saying goodbye to anyone. Just like Cinderella but with no desire to leave a trace, I just wanted to disappear.

As I walked back home I felt joy, my new found freedom, the fresh air, the sky full of brightly coloured fireworks exploding across the night sky. My pace turned into a skip and once inside my house, still warm from the fire I’d lit earlier, I relaxed. Jools Holland’s Hootenanny filled me with happiness, the spectacle, the talented musicians, the celebrities making their plans for the new year, so very reassuring.

Returning home was the best part of my new year solo experiment. I learned so much. Yes, it's OK to go to a pub on your own but not on New Year's Eve. You need to be with people who love you, who get you. New Year is the time to be with friends and family so that when you sing Auld Lang Syne together, you truly want to see those people again soon.

Happy New Year to you all.

What did you do for New Year? Were you with people or on your own?

#MyPrelovedLife : 6/1/20

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Two Year Anniversary Since Steve Died

In some ways, it seems like only yesterday that Steve passed away, at other times it feels like a lifetime ago.

To mark the 2 year anniversary this year I planned a journey to Azerbaijan to visit my son, Ryan. He wanted me to have a special treat, so we drove for 4 hours up into the mountains to a ski resort called Shahdag. When we arrived at the Pik Palace late at night, it was dark, it was also the eve of the anniversary of Steve’s passing.

The next morning the sky was grey, there was snow in the air, and a strange fog like mist swirled around the resort. Perhaps the right atmosphere for such a day.

Anniversaries can be full of joy or pain, depending on the occasion. But as this day wore on I could feel my sadness growing. I went for a walk. Ryan was skiing, I was so pleased that he was doing something he loved.

I crunched through the snow, then the snow started to gently fall. I decided to record a video clip, but as I began to speak I could feel my voice wavering, “I miss you Steve Marsden, I love you Steve”.

That was it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I was overwhelmed. By the time I got into the lift my face was wet with tears. Back in the safety of my own room, I sobbed and sobbed. How is it possible that Steve is no longer with me, a man so strong so full of life so full of kindness and compassion?

When Ryan got back from skiing, he called me. I told him I was feeling sad. Without hesitation he came straight into my room, we had adjoining doors and gave me the biggest and strongest hug ever.

He suggested I get a massage, at first I didn’t want to but decided taking action is always best in these circumstances. I arranged a reflexology session which turned into a full leg massage. I booked a male masseur and found his touch soothing and relaxing.

I was glad I made the effort. On this day we celebrated Ryan’s birthday too, eating pizza and drinking cocktails. By 10.00 pm we were back in the hotel, what a roller coaster of a day.

The next morning I woke up to sunlight shining through a gap in the heavy curtains, I pulled back the drapes and was blown away by the mountains covered in glinting snow with the bluest sky backdrop. What a difference a day makes, it was as if the mountains were showing me that change is inevitable.

This day was bright and full of promise. Ryan had the best skiing experience ever that morning. I walked through trees heavy with snow and as the bright sun shone down on these trees clumps of falling snow fell all around me, it was magical.

I’m back from Azerbaijan now, I’ve started a new job but I hope to have many more adventures to write about.

#MyPrelovedLife : 12/3/19

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Pop Up Shop for St Elizabeth's Hospice

I received a call from my local hospice asking if I could help a gentleman who’d just recently lost his wife sell her clothes. Chris, the wife, loved clothes and shoes and had a vast collection of designer bags, scarves, coats, jackets and dresses. Phil, the husband needed help promoting a pop-up shop he was opening with his 2 grandchildren. One of the town centre shops kindly donated free space to the family for one week over half-term.

I knew I could help. Preloved Chica (that’s me) has her own YouTube Channel with a loyal fan base. The first step was to visit Phil at home. I spent 2 hours filming clothes and shoes and yes, there was enough clothing to open a shop!

Chris had style and was an avid collector of top quality designer clothing. When I saw the mountain of wooden shoe trees it was obvious she'd really looked after her shoes. She’d also fold t-shirts inside out to stop them fading, as a result her clothes were immaculate and well loved.

As Phil was describing his wife's clothes, the stories came tumbling out, he explained where his wife liked to shop in Paris, the San Germaine district. He described the places they used to go, every dress had its story. I pictured Phil imagining his wife in her fine clothes as he held up each item for the camera. It’s clear that Phil is still wrapped in the arms of grief but as he was talking I felt sure that his family would appreciate his honesty and his love for Chris. His story is portrayed so movingly in this video.

As I pulled away from Phil’s house my eyes started to well up with tears. Chris had died in similar circumstances to my husband, in the same hospice where the care was outstanding. I was right back to the time I spent in the hospice kitchen where there are no boundaries between the relatives and staff who shared the same space. Many times I received welcome hugs from the volunteer staff who just seemed to know what to say and what to do.

I've done my very best to support Phil and his mission to leave a legacy for his 2 grandchildren. The profits from the sale of all the clothes will be split 50:50 between the hospice and the grandchildren.

It took me over 8 hours to produce this video. Phil's pleased with the result and I'm sure there will be a huge crowd on the first trading day of the Pop-Up shop. Phil will also be joining me on my Preloved Chica ICR Time Capsule show next Wednesday to tell his story.

Working together towards this good cause will help unite the family as they come to terms with their grief and of course, St Elizabeth’s Hospice will get the important funds they need to continue the outstanding work they do for the community.

Phil has invited me to take my pick of the clothes before they go on sale. I will ask for the black Bally handbag and whenever I use this bag I will be reminded of Phil and his wife Chris.

#MyPrelovedLife : 1/2/19

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Goodbye Red January Hello February

It was a strange start to the year, I poured my heart out in my last post posing rhetorical questions like " what am I doing with my life?" I think I have the answer, well at least for the next 6 months.

I was offered a part-time lecturing job at Suffolk New College after a successful interview. Before accepting the job I wrote down all the pros and cons and with the help from one of my sons I made the decision to take the job. I start the first week of March which gives me a full month to prepare lessons and get used to the idea of having a boss!

I was last in employment 18 years ago and I know it will feel strange but one of the main reasons I accepted the job was the need for more structure in my life. For the last 2 years, I’ve been like a butterfly flitting from one adventure to the next. Now I need a period of stability, a steady income will be a welcome relief too.

Once I get used to my new routine I will write more posts. Till then, wish me luck!

Yes, there were some rough patches in January but as I reflect back on my accomplishments, there were many. For example, Red January run by Suffolk Mind, an opportunity for everyone to be active each day in January. Apart from one day when I was sick, I managed on average 10,000 steps each day. I dusted off my old Fitbit and tracked my steps throughout the day. I walked more, sometimes I would trek into the town centre to buy food rather than hop in the car to visit the local supermarket. Being aware of my daily activities was a great motivator.

Many people have been doing Dry January or Damp January as some describe it. My son, Ryan and I have been completely dry, or arid since the 7th of January. We pledged not to drink alcohol for 30 days. Again this has been a fascinating experience. I’ve discovered Seedlip, a non-alcoholic gin-based drink which costs more than a bottle of cheap gin but is so delicious.

For the last 3 weeks, my Friday night ritual has been to take a special gin glass, pour a shot, or sometimes a double Seedlip, add ice, lemon and a generous helping of aromatic Fever Tree tonic curled up in front of the fire watching an episode of the Vikings.

On my nights out at my local pub, the Duke, I discovered San Miguel 0% alcohol beer. The taste is good and after your third one, you begin to feel slightly tipsy, all in the mind of course.

Remember the 10 week Jaffa running course we signed up for? Richard and I have been going for 4 weeks now. One week it was too cold to run on the track, it had frozen so we had to run on the grass instead, even harder work. I didn’t fully appreciate we’d be outside for the entire class. We have to warm up first by doing silly walks across the pitch. That’s the hardest bit for me as it takes me a while to warm up but after a series of walks and runs, it’s an exhilarating feeling and satisfying to expire white plumes of breath as you run. We always end with a cool down and as we walk back to the car we talk about the hearty meal that's waiting for us back home.

I wonder what February will have in store for me? On the 28th February it’s the 2 year anniversary of Steve’s death. Where has the time gone? Have I really been living without him for that length of time?

How’s your January been?

#MyPrelovedLife : 1/2/19

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Happy Uncertain New Year

I had the most wonderful time over the festivities, one of my sons said it was the best Christmas he'd ever had. My 2 sons live abroad but stayed with me for over 2 weeks. Along with my son who lives in Ipswich we spent quality time together, eating, drinking listening to music and playing backgammon.

I didn’t buy them material gifts this year instead, I bought them all experiences.

Ryan went on a knife making course at a Colbert Forge in Suffolk. He was so proud of the knife he made.

Lyle had a morning at the Dove Street Recording Studios. He wrote a song the night before the session and in the morning he performed and recorded it.

I enrolled Richard on the 10-week Jaffa running course. They guarantee you’ll be running 30 minutes non-stop by the end of the course. I'm running with him for moral support and so far he’s enjoying it.

It’s the first full week of January and my last visitor flew out of the country on Tuesday. I feel there’s a huge gap in my life. For the last 2 years I’ve been keeping myself busy, travelling, taking on new projects but now I feel directionless. It’s not an altogether bad feeling because I do have options, working in Sicily, spending time in Japan, developing my YouTube Channel and there’s a possibility that I might get part-time work.

I want to make sure that what I choose is right for me. I’ve had an interview today for a part-time teaching job, I think it went well. If I get offered the job, my next stage will be to accept or reject.

I want to continue travelling, that costs money but will my wings be clipped?

It’s lovely to have options and for that I am grateful. I wish I could ask Steve what I should do.

#MyPrelovedLife : 24/1/19

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Inspiring Books

I picked up Shine by Andy Cope and Gavin Oates at Stansted airport in June en-route to Sardinia.

My copy is now rather dog-eared because I took it everywhere with me, the beach, the restaurants, the bars. Whenever I had 5 minutes to spare I read one of the short chapters. It’s full of humour and strategies on how to live a full life. I remember reading the chapter called That Wee Piece of Magic, explaining how we’ve lost the childlike art of playfulness. The writers pose questions like when did you last play with a cardboard box?

Not exactly relevant but I’m reminded of the time my 28 year old son jumped out of a cardboard box to surprise me on my birthday. It was such an emotional time in so many ways, just a few days before my husband was diagnosed with cancer

I was reading on the beach at Giardini Naxos, when I looked up to see 4 children with beach towels tied around their necks like capes, jumping off upturned boats, racing around like superheroes. I’d just witness the perfect demonstration of let’s pretend play that children enjoy so much. The authors ask, When did you decide that today was the day you decided to stop playing, to stop approaching everyday situations with playfulness, creativity and joy?

It’s a wonderfully simple, fun and thought-provoking book to read. I still think about many of the ideas in this book.

My 4 favourite ideas

1. See the things that happen to you as interesting plot twists, weave them into the story of your life rather than talk about the disaster, the dramas that turn you into one of life’s victims

2. There are only 3 things important for a healthy life, to eat well, move more and sleep enough

3. Put on your shine tinted spectacles and see the world bathed in a clear shiny light

4. Don’t half-ass anything, always use your full ass

Give it a Try

For the price of 3 Starbucks coffees, I’d recommend Shine. I’m sure you’ll get something from it. What’s your favourite book that makes you feel all warm and glowing inside?

#MyPrelovedLife : 24/12/18

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Solo Festival Goer

For the last 30 years, Steve and I have been going to the annual World of Music and Dance Festival, WOMAD, at Charlton Park in Malmsbury. The last time I went was the day Steve had his second course of chemotherapy. Normally we’d go camping but this time we decided to stay in a pub for comfort. I drove and Steve rested. We arrived at the festival just in time to see George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic on the main stage performing Atomic Dog. Steve was so happy to be there, I was so amazed at his strength and determination. I haven’t been back to WOMAD since, partly because of the intense memories but also because I’m rubbish at putting up a tent that was always Steve's job!

This year I decided to go to Folk East, a smaller festival in Suffolk held in the grounds of Glemham Hall. The venue is close to my home so I could go for the day.

I was keen to see my favourite band, The Oysterband. They’ve been touring for 40 years. I’ve seen them perform many times, they never disappoint. This year they were the headline act on the main Sunshine Stage at 9.30 pm.

I arrived at the festival at mid-day. I wasn’t sure how I’d occupy myself for the next 9 hours but I soon got into the solo festival goer experience.

My first stop was to visit St Elizabeth’s Hospice charity shop tent to look at the clothes. I wasn’t sure I’d brought enough warm layers with me, the air temperature felt cool for August. I purchased the most beautiful pair of black leggings covering in sequins, perfect for any festival goer. By the time I left the charity tent, the sun had come out but I was sure I’d be able to use the leggings later in the evening.

Now here’s an interesting fact, if you want people to talk to you, take a notepad and make copious notes. I was sat outside Café Mobile drinking coffee and writing in my journal, I had 5 days of catch up. I was writing fast and furious and it wasn’t long before someone asked me if I was writing a book. The conversation kicked off, the connections were made as I explained my story. Later in the day, I was delighted to bump into someone “I knew”.

I decided to get a drink from one of the small bars and sat next to Vanda, Jasper and Suzanne. They were curious too about my writing but they were slightly more interested in drinking than talking to me! At one end of the tent, Capstan Full Strength was singing sea shanties when some members of the acapella choir Magnificent AK47s walked into the beer tent. The last time I’d seen this choir was in Birmingham New Street Station last year. I stopped to watch their set, lost track of time and ended up late for my meeting. Definitely worth it though.

The choir leader conducted an impromptu set in the beer tent starting with their fabulous version of Delilah

They did two more songs and then the flash mob disappeared into the crowds.

I wandered around looking for one of the bars to buy a cider. My dear friends Caroline and Allan were on shift duty. As soon as their shift finished they joined me outside and together we watched the sunset over the Folk East marquees and crowds.

It was starting to get cooler now so I said goodbye to my friends and went back to the car to put on my leggings, trainers, socks and jumper. I switched my shades for my warm blanket. I was ready for the evening now.

Back on the festival site, I ordered food from the Mexican Cantina, a delicious pitta wrap full of salad, hummus and grilled halloumi, perfect. I was feeling a bit chilly but too early for the blanket so I went into the Broad Roots tent to watch Geoff Higgingbottom, a crazy singer from Stockport. I loved his northern humour and his version of Steve Earle's classic Copperhead Road. From there I squeezed into the packed Moot Hall to watch the acapella group, The Wilson Family. They had great harmonies and banter but I had to leave before the end of their set to get ready for the Oysterband at 9.30 pm.

The stage was semi-lit, the crowds were gathering. I found a great position standing right at the very front. The Oysterband had traveled straight from the Cropredy Festival. The lead singer, Jonathan Jones is very charismatic. When he raises his arms above his head to sing, it’s like he’s being channelled by a higher force.

The songs kept on coming, we danced like wild things and then they performed “Dancing As Fast As You Can”.

For some reason, the lyrics touched me and the tears started to pour down my face. Although I was at the front nobody seemed to notice my sadness. I wiped them away at the end of the song, took a deep breath and carried on dancing, dancing as fast as I could.

The power of my emotion surprised me, my response too but inside I felt proud of myself for being out there.

The set was wonderful, I loved the encore, Put Out The Lights. I recorded a version of this on my iPhone when the Oysterband played in Ipswich in 2013.

The crowds dispersed, it was late and I was feeling really tired. I had to pick my way, in the dark, across the uneven fields back to the car park and it was at this point that I felt alone and sad with no-one to share the day with.

The drive home was hard, I was tired. I’d been out in the fresh air for over 12 hours but the day had been wonderful. I know I can go to a festival on my own, now. It was a landmark for me.

Give it a Try

Find a music event, it doesn’t have to be a day-long festival, buy a single ticket, take a step outside your comfort zone and go solo.

Have you ever been to a festival or gig on your own? What was it like?

#MyPrelovedLife : 18/8/18

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The First Year is the Hardest

The first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first year of a loved one's passing is full of intense memories that brings your loss close to the surface.

When my first wedding anniversary approached, I was travelling across Russia. I climbed on board the Trans-Siberian train on the actual anniversary day,12th August. I didn’t have much time to think about being sad, I was sharing a cabin for the next 3 days with Ruth, a judo teacher from Exeter. As the train travelled across Siberia I shared my story with Ruth. In so many ways it felt good to be on the other side of the planet, away from all the harsh memories.

On my second wedding anniversary, this year didn’t want to be travelling, I wanted to be at close to home. At mid-day, I took a lots of tissues and went to Steve’s burial site and cried for an hour. When you cry that much you feel drained. I didn’t feel like doing much for the rest of the day but the following day, as if knowing what would be good for me, I’d booked onto an Airbnb Experience, a therapeutic 2 hours photo shoot around Cambridge with Aina. We had grief in common, 4 years ago her husband died. She knew I wanted photos for this website and took extra time to provide me with these amazing images. Yet another step on my journey living with loss, inspiring others along the way.

On the first anniversary of Steve’s death, I did a live Radio Tribute Show. A very moving and cathartic experience for me and my 3 sons who were part of that radio show.

The recording had been my most popular downloaded to date.

Tribute to Steve Marsden Radio Show

Anniversaries will come around every year and I know with time the emotional intensity will lessen. But right now when an anniversary looms, like Christmas only 2 weeks away, it can feel overwhelming.

Give it a Try

Don’t bottle up your emotions, be sad and cry if you can but always have something to look forward. Plan a trip somewhere new or an activity you have never done before.

Tomorrow is another day in the rest of your life

What do you do when those anniversaries come around?

#MyPrelovedLife : 17/12/18

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To Meet Up or Not to Meet Up

So many people feel lonely when dealing with bereavement. During the grieving period which will vary from person to person, you may not want to go out but I remember one piece of advice.

If you get an invitation to go somewhere, force yourself to say, yes.

I followed that advice, I went out for dinner, to the movies and to see plays with friends. At some point, the sympathy invites will stop and you’ll be expected to get on with life.

I’m OK going out on my own. I made a conscious effort to go to the cinema, go out for meals, watch bands at my local pub on my own. It can feel odd by yourself, lonely at times but the way I see it, I live a solo life now and I just have to get on with it.

Many people live alone, I know, but I had to adjust to not having a partner right there beside me. Whenever I’m feeling sorry for myself, I say to myself, thank you, Steve, for everything. I really appreciate you.

But what if you haven’t got too many friends, you don’t like going out on your own and you’re ready to make new friends? In Suffolk, there are #MeetupMondays, morning sessions for people to share coffee and cake in various locations.

It’s a win-win situation because MeetUpMondays™ give hospitality businesses the opportunity to showcase their lovely, friendly pub, cafe, tea room or hotel lounge, as a warm welcoming place.

There’s one at my local pub, the Greyhound, Ipswich

When you arrive at the venue, there’s always someone there to greet newcomers. It might not be easy to walk into a pub at night on your own but to call into your local pub for a coffee and a chat is much easier especially when you receive a warm welcome on arrival.

Give it a Try

Search your area for a #MeetUpMonday group. If there isn’t one, approach your local pub to see if you can set one up. Find out how to host a #MeetUp in your area

There are also more themed #MeetUps and evening social events at local restaurants. While I was researching for this blog I signed up for the Travel Chat Meet Up. I have no idea what it will be like but sometimes you have to step right out of your comfort zone. They’re planning to talk about travelling through Moscow, that’ll be good for me as last year I went on the Trans-Siberian from Beijing to Moscow.

Have you ever been to a #MeetUp? What was it like?

#MyPrelovedLife : 10/12/18

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Who's Going to Throw Out the Spider

Every Autumn, the biggest spiders in the world come into my house and make their way to my downstairs bathroom. I’m such a wimp when it comes to spiders. It was always Steve’s job to remove any arachnids. Sometimes I might cover a spider with a pint glass ready for Steve to throw it out later.

Imagine my horror this year, in May to discover the biggest ever spider not downstairs but upstairs in my bedroom and just above my bed. I looked at it and felt sick. Would it even fit under a pint glass? Breaking out of the trance I was in, I decided to fetch a glass from the kitchen and find a piece of card to cover the glass and trap the beast.

I’d been gone just 3 minutes, when I got back upstairs, shock horror the spider was no longer on the wall. I couldn’t see it anywhere, it had disappeared. Should I sleep in another room tonight? I really didn’t know what to do, the thought of that spider running over my bed gave me the shivers.

What a nightmare.

The only thing I could do was to re frame how I look at spiders. I tried to think of spiders as perfect creatures, doing no harm to humans, in fact helping us by catching flies. I managed to sleep in my own bed that night and forgot about the spider.

7 days later….

I woke up one morning and there was the spider wrapped up in my net curtain on the other side of the bedroom. How many times had it run across my bedroom floor I wondered? This time I was determined to catch this spider and remove it from my home. Instead of using a pint glass I decided to take down the net curtain, bundle everything up and take it into the garden. I opened up the curtain and returned an hour later, the spider had gone, relieved to be back in nature, I’m sure.

I was so proud of myself too. To continue my new relationship with spiders, this Autumn I’m keeping track of the number of spiders I’ve successfully removed by recording numbers on a notice board.

Several of my friends suggested I get one of these spider capturing devices.

Have you used one? Do they work? Let me know

Give it a Try

You might love spiders, so my story won’t impact you but if there’s something else that causes you to faint, try looking at your experience in a different way. We can choose how we react to situations, it’s called re-framing and is a technique used in NLP to remove lifelong phobias in minutes. It works.

#MyPrelovedLife : 11/10/18

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Solo Travelling in Sicily

If you’re not sure about travelling abroad on your own, my first piece of advice is to find an independent travel agent. It’s not as expensive as you might think. Travel agents know where to find the best deals and cheap flights.

I was keen to go back to Sardinia this year before visiting Sicily for the first time. I’d never been to Sicily before and wanted to join an organised tour for the first week and then have some time on my own to relax. Travel with Jules organised the whole trip, flights, including internal ones, a 7-day Sicilian tour, and the wonderful hotel I stayed in for the final week.

You can read more about my time in Sardinia with Annalisa here.

As I walked through customs into Sicily from Sardinia I was surprised that they didn’t check my passport and then I realised these 2 islands are all part of Italy. Obvious when you think about it.

I collected my luggage and had my first opportunity to speak Italian. My taxi driver, Sarne, whisked me off to the Hotel Liberty in Catania explaining that he only spoke a little English. Probably better than my Italian I thought.

Every night for 4 weeks prior to my trip I'd practised Italian on my phone app Memrise. This language app is excellent. You get to repeat Italian phrases into your phone and can only move on when you hear “Perfecto”. I like the part when you learn with the locals and have to recognise crazy sentences like “Sei ammalato, you’re sick!” I never once had the opportunity to use that phrase when I was in Sicily.

By the time I was packing up ready to start my Italian adventure, I’d learnt 350 words on Memrise, not bad at all. If you’re curious to know what clothes I took to Italy, you can watch my What To Pack video on YouTube.

That first night in Catania, Sicily’s ancient port city was a challenge. The hotel receptionist told me to go right for restaurants or left for the main street, Via Etnea. I chose right, the wrong move! As I walked down Via Plebiscito, 7 pm at night, too early for the locals to eat, I was aware of groups of men hanging around on street corners, some lighting braziers for the trattorias specialising in grilled foods.

I felt really uncomfortable walking on my own in this area, I couldn’t see any other tourists so I turned around and had to walk past the men again. That was a scary time for me but the fear was in my head. I approached the hotel and this time I turned left, just a few streets later, I was in the thick of a bustling restaurant scene with hordes of people.

I found a restaurant close to an open-air stage in front of the University where a concert was being held for refugees. I ordered spaghetti con vongole with white wine. The alcohol smoothed away the stresses of the evening and I was glad that my earlier experience didn’t spoil my night.

My taxi driver had told me to watch out for pickpockets in Catania so I think that’s why I was nervous. Before I left the hotel, I’d taken precautions. I'd put my money in a body belt and I’d made sure I wasn’t carrying my phone or a map. It’s important to walk tall and not to look like a victim. That first night was the only time I felt anxious during my entire stay in Sicily.

After a good night’s sleep in the art deco Hotel Liberty, my next destination was Taormina to pick up my tour. I was expecting a coach full of tourists but instead, a 6 seater black Mercedes was waiting for me. Sergio the driver, Angelo the guide and Anna from Nuremberg was the only guest. For 7 days we were treated like VIPs, visiting places that coaches can’t reach.

One of my favourite trips was to Marsala where Antonio and his wife Adora who are winemakers, prepared tasty snacks and served 3 different kinds of wines to sample. The winery has been in the family for the last 100 years, the high ceiling cantina was like a museum full of family antiquities. It was a boozy afternoon with a free-flowing conversation about love and passion. I’ve noticed that the Italians are not afraid to talk about sex and amore. I really like their openness and warm-heartedness.

Agrigento was also spectacular with its Valley of the Temples, where you can walk amongst wonderfully preserved Greek temples looking out over the Mediterranean. I liked the bustling capital, Palermo with its shrine to Santa Rosalia where people to this day, pray for healing for their loved ones. The vast cave is full of messages written on scraps of paper, stuffed into the cave wall crevice. The island off Syracuse, called Ortigia, has amazing fountains with fresh water Palmyra plants growing right next to the sea.

Sicily is packed full of history and culture. The climate is wonderful, the food outstanding. I love it and want to go back soon.

Give it a Try

Where in the world have you always wanted to visit? Make some enquiries today about how you could get there, who you would go with. Immerse yourself in the research and who knows, one day you might visit your dream destination.

Where would you like to visit? Perhaps you’ve already been there. I’d love to know in the comments below.

#MyPrelovedLife : 5/10/18

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Eating For One

In the early few months after Steve passed away, friends rallied around, inviting me to dinner, bringing hot soups to the house, one friend Susannah made a vegetable lasagne large enough to feed the street. People were so kind but there comes a time when you really have to get back into preparing your own meals. I don’t find it so easy to cook for one. I always make more of an effort when my son comes for a meal. I usually cook extra so I can reheat the leftovers the next day.

But what exactly am I eating?

Breakfast

I make smoothies most mornings, I use a Kefir base with bananas, grapes, sometimes spinach and kale. I make a whole pint and pour it into my favourite Birra Moretti glass. I like to add bright beetroot powder to give my smoothies extra colour.

I’ve only just been introduced to Kefir, a drink made from fermented milk grains. Every 2 or 3 days you strain the milk liquid and use it for smoothies and then add fresh milk to the grains to repeat the cycle.

I made this video with my friend John who gave me the starter grains. He loves kefir and drinks it every day.

Kefir is a cultured, fermented milk drink, originally from the mountainous region that divides Asia and Europe. It is similar to yogurt – but a drink, with a tart, sour taste and a slight ‘fizz’. This is due to carbon dioxide – the end product of the fermentation process. Kefir is a good source of calcium and is rich in probiotic bacteria.

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/health-benefits-kefir

Lunch

Sometimes I’ll skip lunch. For those steady 3 meals a day people, you’ll find this hard to understand but if I do eat lunch I love a salad dripping in olive oil with a ripe avocado.

Dinner

I’m not a strict vegetarian, my travel experiences across Japan and China last year made it impossible to eat just vegetables. At home, I mostly cook veggie meals. I love Quorn and pesto sauce and will often knock up a stir-fry or a rich tomato sauce for spaghetti, my favourite pasta dish right now. I enjoy a crispy jacket potato and during the winter months, I use my slow cooker to cook chickpeas and kidney beans overnight so they’re super soft. My slow cooker comes with chalk and a black surface so you can write on it.

What do you like to cook/eat?

One of the scariest firsts for me was inviting friends over to my house for a meal. When you’re a couple, one person usually looks after the guests, filling up the drinks while the other person focuses on cooking. When there’s only one, you have to do everything. It takes longer to prepare everything, Steve used to chop the vegetables and organise the seating, now I get everything ready. Once the invites to friends had gone out I had a feeling of dread, but I had a plan.

When my first guest arrived, I put them in charge of the drinks, I asked another friend to serve the food out while I brought the prepared food to the table. Friends will be there for you and will want to help.

Give it a Try

Invite a friend over for dinner. If you can’t face cooking, invite people over for drinks and nibbles or order takeaway pizzas, I’ve done that. It will feel strange at first but it’s important to keep friendships going and sharing your stories over a meal with a good glass of wine is wonderful.

I still don’t do as much entertaining as I used to but it’s I plan to do more this year.

Please share dishes you like to cook in the comments

#MyPrelovedLife : 19/9/18

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The Sourdough Starter Lives On

Steve would have been 63 on Sunday, October 13th. As the day drew closer so my feelings started to intensify. I had distractions planned for the actual day starting at 8 am with the Rugby World Cup game, Wales were playing Uruguay in Japan and ending with a night of live music at my local theatre

But the Saturday night before, the 12th of October, I felt sad, very sad. I was feeling deeply sorry for myself, the day before your partner’s birthday should be a night to celebrate. But when your spouse has passed away and you’re at home on your own, imagining a world full of couples spending a cosy night in together, the sadness is very real. 

That Saturday night I drank a few glasses of wine and through my tears, I decided to re-frame my life. I asked these questions.

What have I gained over these 2 years?

What new places have I visited?

How many new people have I met?

What new experiences have I tried?

 This re-framing technique is used in NLP and it works. I was still emotional that night, ready to cry at any moment but the next day I was able to move forward with renewed purpose.

When you see life more positively, more of the same comes your way. One week after my intense sadness I spoke to my son, he’d flown to Australia from Japan for his best friend’s wedding, a flying 3-day visit. His trip coincided with International Steve Day, a tradition he’d started to mark the anniversary of his Dad’s birthday. I was so warmed by this idea that I will be planning my very own special celebration of International Steve Day in 2020.

I wanted to keep remembering Steve that week and arranged to meet my sister-in-law a few days after Steve’s birthday anniversary, at Highgate, London. We went to Highgate Cemetery where lots of famous people are buried. Perhaps you’d consider this a morbid activity but no, that trip brought home to me the commonplace nature of death, we all die, it’s natural. Grief is natural too but how you deal with it is very personal.

And another revelation that came to me. I’ve always felt that Steve lives on through his children and his grandson, but through his sourdough starter too? That was a revelation.

A few weeks ago I joined a fermentation workshop, the teacher shared a loaf made from a sourdough starter that she’d been using for years. The bread was delicious and reminded me of the bread Steve used to make. He was always very proud of the starter he’d grown from just the natural yeasts in the air.

 I posted the sourdough picture on Facebook and several friends said that they still have Steve’s starter and they regularly make bread from it. Knowing that Steve’s starter lives on is a great comfort to me and who knows one day might even attempt to make sourdough bread myself.

#MyPrelovedLife : 21/10/19

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Growing and Planting Over Easter

For the past 2 years I’ve been away for all the major holidays but this year I decided to stay home and spend time working on the family allotment. Steve had this plot on Spring Road for 10 years, he really enjoyed growing vegetables, he even kept his bees there.

After he died I was determined to keep it going, even though all the odds were stacked against me, the local council didn’t want to transfer the plot into my name and I'd never kept an allotment before.

In the midst of my grief my son, brother and sister in law from California spent 2 days cutting back all the weeds, lifting the soil ready for spring but that was 2 years ago. Since then it's been neglected and the weeds soon grew back.

But this year things were different, I had time and space in my head to give this a go. The first thing was to order a new shed, the old one was leaning at a precarious 45-degree angle. The new bigger shed arrives this Thursday. I'm really looking forward to having a place to hang out, to drink a glass of wine and sit and watch the sunset but.... there’s lots of work to do first.

For 4 days over Easter, I cleared a 20 x 20 feet area. I filled 8 wheelbarrows of weeds. I literally sat on the earth, in the warm soil and pulled up all weeds around me and when that area was clear I moved onto the next patch.

Fortunately I’m only a short walk to the allotment and each day I could see an improvement. I didn’t mind getting muddy, my clothes would go in the washing machine. But as I walked home I was preying that I wouldn’t meet someone on the street with my dirty moustached face. The soil is very sandy, it gets under your fingernails and as for my feet, I'm still scrubbing off the dirt after 3 baths!

But what an achievement, one of the allotment committee members commented, “we’ll make a gardener out of you yet!” I’m not so sure!

I have no idea whether I’ll be able to keep this up, especially as I plan to go travelling for 6 weeks in the summer. Luckily my son who lives locally is interested helping with the allotment.

Just before I left today, I planted 2 rows of dahlia bulbs. If they grow they’ll make a colourful flower edge at the bottom of the plot.

In a few weeks’ time, I’ll plant 4 rows of sweetcorn, tall plants to hide any overgrown spots. I want an easy life this first year.

A very different Easter for me, I’m normally a social animal out with friends but working the soil with bare hands was therapy, the tiredness from physical activity gave me a sense of purpose too.

Yet at a deeper, subconscious level during one of my Easter morning meditations, I started to cry, big tears. I recognised that I was feeling sorry for myself, sad that I didn't have a loved one to talk to, to sit next to on the settee, to share my thoughts after a hard day of physical work. I made a decision to let those thoughts go, they're natural but I won't let them grow.

Holidays can magnify separation and loss but where we focus our attention is optional. My intent is to grow piles of sweetcorn to give away to all my friends. So if you live near me, you’ll need to research sweetcorn recipes.

Thanks for reading this.

I’d love to hear about your growing experiences.

#MyPrelovedLife : 24/4/19

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Loving Hands Massage

Remember the words of the U2 song, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For?

Well, I think I have found what I’m looking, at least for now.

It all started with a foot massage I had from a male therapist in Azerbaijan. When I returned to the UK I decided to look for a male masseur near me.

I found Sam, a masseur based in Bury St Edmunds but who travels to clients homes. Sam specialises in Hawaii LomiLomi massage which translates to Loving Hands.

I was rather nervous waiting for him to arrive, what if I don’t like him, what if he’s too firm. I was full of uncertainty, after all this was a new venture and in my private space.

I needn’t have worried, it was a truly remarkable experience. Sam arrived promptly at 9.00 AM on Saturday morning, with his massage table, room heater, essential oils and a bag of colourful sarongs.

In Hawaii, LomiLomi is typically given at the beach where it's hot, 30+°

It’s not like regular massage and doesn’t involve set sequences, right leg first, then left leg and then lower back. Instead, the therapist works intuitively using arms, hands and elbows with sweeping movements that travel all across your body. That’s why you don’t wear any clothes, only a thin loincloth to cover your modesty.

While I was lying on my front, Sam started the music and began chanting an Hawaiian prayer. He asked me to breathe in deeply three times while he placed his hand on my back. I immediately felt we were breathing in sync.

Sam told me that the sarong with its colourful fringes arranged at the top of my back would be pulled over my body and that I was to imagine waves washing on the shore as the sarong left my body. And there I was naked in my lovely purple lizard lounge, the room hot and the air thick with the heady smell of coconut oil, ylang-ylang and essential orange oils.

I could feel myself relaxing deeply and after about 30 minutes I turned onto my back.

The long sweeping movements now over the front of my body were especially enjoyable, I imagined my whole body being painted in gold. I have no idea why that thought came into my mind but it felt right.

I’d booked a 90-minute massage which included 30-minute reflexology and a facial. I normally like a light touch but Sam's massage technique on my feet was firm and that was just right too. He was just so intuitive.

He massaged my face with frangipani oil, an extract from the beautiful Hawaiian flower, the scent was heavenly, the moves divine.

My 90-minute massage was just perfect and exactly what I was looking for. I’ve missed intimate male energy and the experience of being touched all over made me feel whole again.

Sam told me I had a strong aura. I’m not quite sure what he meant by that but I’ll find out next time I see him. Yes, I’ve already booked a follow-up session in April. I’ve invited one of my friends to come along too, my gift to her for all the fabulous support she’s given me over the last 2 years. I hope she likes it too.

I was told to rest after the massage, do something enjoyable. I read for a while and then fell asleep. When I woke up I had to walk into town to pick up some groceries and as I walked down the high street I felt as if I was floating. I felt whole, connected and beautiful.

I don’t want to be too woo-woo but I was looking for someone like Sam, and I found him, I'd only been back from Azerbaijan for less than a month. So it felt like a small miracle had happened, finding Sam.

The practicalities were that I used a service called BARK which lists local service professionals or in my case, male masseurs.

Sam responded to my requested straight away and after a few text messages, I'd arranged an appointment. I never read any of his testimonials or visited his website, I put my trust in the Universe and it turned out to be a positive experience.

I went outside my comfort zone, for sure. I’ve never had this kind of massage before or even had someone come to my home. But the result is that I now have a regular male masseur who can come to my home.

Sam's LomiLomi massages and his caring holistic approach to his work are just perfect for me right now.

If you’d like to book Sam, here’s his website

If you live outside the area you might find your own male masseur here www.bark.com

Don’t you agree that human touch is so important and can be difficult if you’re not in a relationship?

I’d love to know what you think.

#MyPrelovedLife : 3/4/19

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Rock N Roll Is Here To Stay

he Grand Old Duke of York, a public house, just a few hundred yards from my home has been my refuge, my go-to fun place for the last 2 years.

Sadly it's closing this week.

When my husband Steve died we had his wake at the Duke, his coffin propped up in one corner of the bar. The landlady, Debbie was so cool. She let me serve Steve’s whiskey to everyone. I clearly remember at midday, the air was thick with the smell of single malt whiskeys from around the world. We gave him a good send off at the Duke.

I have so many other memories too, like the talk I gave about my trip to Macchu Picchu. The pub was packed with people keen to hear my story. St Elizabeth’s Hospice also benefited from the donations people made.

At midnight, the very start of 2019 I was at the Duke, dancing and singing along to Matt White and his Emulsions, a fabulous local band. Such fun memories.

Just 18 months ago Steve Pipe became the new pub landlord. He was keen make sure the Duke became the #1 venue for live music in Ipswich. Most weekends he had bands playing, sometimes we were even treated to lazy Sunday afternoon acoustic sets. I particularly liked Martin McNeil’s performance.

I've loved every gig and have videoed many of the artists. I’ve even promoted the Duke on my Preloved Chica Time Capsule Show but sadly the punters just haven't shown up in the numbers required to make the venue sustainable.

Over the last 18 months I’ve watched some great artists play there, Jose Ramirez, a Costa Rican Jazz Blues guitarist on his European tour, members of the band Nine Below Zero and so many talented local stars.

But all this is about to end.

Last night was the final Mid Week Blues in Town event, a monthly blues gig run by Mike Rushmore from the Back Porch Band. He kindly offered to play for free that night.

As usual, when I arrived at the pub Steve reached for my special glass ready to pour my favourite drink, pink gin and tonic. I’ve never had my own glass behind the bar before.

That’s not the only thing behind the bar, If you've ever been to the Duke, you'll know that at a certain time in the evening Steve brings out his tambourine. With the music in full swing the tambourine is passed from person to person. I remember one night when I was measuring my Fitbit steps, I clocked up an extra 10,000 steps just from shaking that tambourine.

I’ve had so many happy times there, I've made new friends and enjoyed random conversations with strangers and all the time feeling part of a tight knit community.

On this last night, a card was presented to Steve, he gave a short speech and said he hoped we would all stay in touch. This was the point when I could feel the tears welling up and yes, I cried. I saw the familiar walls, the stage, the bar, the dance floor and I wept. I was so sad I couldn't even say a proper goodbye to people.

Now it's the following day, I can reflect back on the inevitability of change and practice the art of letting go.

I’m so grateful for everything this place has given me.

I hope I'll find a new place but those rock and roll rhythms and blues riffs at the Grand Old Duke of York will always remain in my heart.

#MyPrelovedLife : 27/3/19

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