Meditation Stills My Mind

I’d had some experience with Transcendental Meditation ™ when I was 20. I was given a mantra, whispered in my ear and told never to share this sacred sound with anyone. I never have and even to this day, my mantra is secret.

 They say the teacher will come when the student is ready. Imagine my surprise to discover a brand new Transcendental Meditation ™ Peace Palace had recently opened in my neighbourhood. Before the dust could settle on the New Year (2018), I'd organised an appointment to check my meditation practice.

It was a wonderfully sunny day in early January when I arrived at the Peace Palace, designed by architects to maximize the light, with a central atrium bathed in natural sunlight.

I was asked to take off my shoes and led to one of the practice rooms.

I was told to close my eyes, "thoughts come easily, right?"

"Yes", I said.

Close your eyes I was instructed, "repeat your mantra silently. Easy right"?

"Yes", I said.

 And that was how I got back into Transcendental Meditation, with no effort at all. I’ve been practising every morning for 20 minutes and it feels good. Often my monkey brain jumps all over the place, going from one conversation to another, flying off at tangents, falling down rabbit holes but I’m always grateful that I make time to practice.

Before practising, I go through the ritual of lighting a candle and sitting with my legs crossed. I set my intention to practice for 20 minutes.

Meditating feels like magic during those times when I feel a deep connection with myself. Other times the thoughts that pop up during my meditation will trigger tears to fall. I just let them roll down my cheeks. Those tears wash away my sadness and heal me.

It’s now the start of 2019 and I’ve been practising for a year, just once a day but consistently unless I've been travelling which makes routines hard manage.

Why Is Meditating Good For Me?

• It's my place to be emotional and let my tears flow

• I love connecting with my other than conscious mind

• It's a space to relax and let go of muscle tension

• It can also be a time when new ideas come to me

• When I meditate I feel like I’m off the grid and can’t be reached

• I always feel a sense of achievement after the practice

If you’re interested in learning meditation, my friend Annya has some brilliant free resources on the Wisdom Mind website.

There are plenty of meditation apps teaching meditation too. I like this one created by Sam Harris, Waking Up Podcast

Contact the Peace Palace to find out when the next TM class will be.

For me meditation is all about stopping, focusing on nothing letting go and feeling refreshed.

Give it a Try

Anyone else meditate? What practice do you use?

#MyPrelovedLife : 11/1/19

A Silver Lining At Christmas

This was my second Christmas without Steve. Anniversaries like these are always difficult but this year there was a silver lining.

Imagine my surprise when a case of 12 bottles of wine arrived from Naked Wines. I didn’t look at the label on the box, I just accepted the delivery. I assumed my son had ordered the wine as he was staying with me over Christmas.

The wine case remained unopened in my dining room until his arrival on the 23rd of December.

"Your box of wine arrived," I said.

"I didn’t order any wine,” he said.

How strange. Then I examined the box. It was clearly addressed to my late husband, Steve Marsden. I was puzzled as our joint bank account had been closed 18 months ago.

I opened the case, examined the wines and found a letter from Naked Wines.

In their letter, they explained how they had been trying to contact my husband to refund his account but with no success. The letter went on to describe how they would be refunding his account with wine. As I read the letter, I started to cry.

I remembered that Steve had been an avid supporter of Naked Wines, he’d signed up as a wine angel several years ago. It felt that the arrival of this case of wine just before Christmas was like receiving a gift from beyond.

Fortunately, I had all my family around me this Christmas, we raised a glass to Steve and shared the mystery wine case story with friends.

I would like to thank Naked Wines for their incredible customer service, their surprise wine delivery really made my Christmas this year.

I still have more bottles to enjoy in 2019 and every glass I raise will be for Steve.

#MyPrelovedLife : 2/1/19

Talking To Loved Ones

This weekend would have been my 40th ruby wedding anniversary. Steve and I got married in 1978, we made it to our 38th anniversary but no further. I wanted to remember my anniversary, so I decided to visit the woodland site where Steve is buried. I normally go with other people, usually my middle son because he doesn’t drive. The site in Wrabness, overlooks the River Stour, a beautiful location.

I set off at 11.00 am, in glorious sunshine, there was just one other couple talking in the car park but they were soon on their way. I had the whole place to myself.

The oak tree planted on Steve’s grave last October looked very dry, with the drought this summer I’m not sure if it will survive. I poured some of the water I had over the roots. I’d also brought a toilet roll with me, if I’m going to cry I don’t want to run out of tissues.

I sat down cross-legged in front of Steve’s grave and started talking. It was the first time in 18 months I talked to Steve for over an hour. There was just so much to tell him and I’m normally restrained by the people I have with me.

I told him all the family news, explained how well his mum and dad were doing, my holiday experiences in Sicily, my Airbnb guests, my plans to write blog posts about my life and lots of little things like how the garden was growing and news about life in Ipswich.

On the car journey home I felt emotionally drained but my connection to Steve was stronger. I made a pact to talk more to Steve, to my favourite picture of him which I often kiss before I go to bed.

I’ve done this a few times and it's really powerful. Other people say they have shrines set up in their homes where they can talk to their loved ones. The hardest thing I found was when you ask a question, there’s silence.

It's often in that place of silence, the answer will come.

Perhaps this Anthony Robbins quote provides an explanation.

“All I need is within me now”

— Anthony Robbins

Give it a Try

Do you talk to your deceased loved one? If you’ve never tried it, find a place where you won’t be disturbed take a photo or something else that has a strong connection, turn off your phone and start talking.

What gives you comfort?

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Try Something Completely Different

In November last year, I decided to become a DJ, I’ve never had any radio experience before but I thought it might be fun to learn the skills. I signed up for an intensive 8 session course at Ipswich Community Radio with the Station Manager Nick Kabay and 6 other students. During our training, we were asked to decide what kind of show we wanted. Nick told us he would do his best to find us a slot in the schedule.

I wanted to host a talk show but with a difference. I came up with the name The Preloved Chica Time Capsule Show. It ties in with my Preloved Chica YouTube Channel all about second-hand clothes.

Nick liked my concept and offered me a slot on Wednesdays from 1.00 pm to 2.00 pm. It works like this, every week I invite a guess to share the music that's important to them, very much like the long-running BBC’s Desert Island Discs show. My guests talk about the 4 pieces of music they’ve chosen to go into the ICR Time Capsule. Sometimes we’ll talk about other objects they’d like to put in the time capsule but mostly we talk about the music. I started in January 2018 and now have 38 shows on Mixcloud for people to listen to again.

I’ve had fabulous guests including the Ipswich MP Sandy Martin, the current Mayor Of Ipswich, Jayne Riley but by far my most popular show was on the 29/2/18, the first year anniversary of Steve’s death.

I invited my 3 sons to share the music their dad had introduced them to. It was a moving tribute and has had the most replays on ICR. One of my sons flew in from Baku to be with me live in the studio, another son who lives in Japan recorded a voice clip along with his musical choices. It was such a moving tribute to their wonderful dad.

Here’s the replay link in case you’d like to listen. Somehow I managed to keep my voice strong and steady throughout the whole show.

https://www.mixcloud.com/ICRfm/28-02-18-the-pre-loved-chica-time-capsule-show/

The technical side of broadcasting has become easier with practice over the last 10 months but there’s so much to think about, the musical sound levels, the guest microphone levels and keeping your own microphone off when the music is playing. It’s like tapping your head and drawing circles on your stomach.

Now that the technical side is more automatic, I’m enjoying the chat with my guests. Their musical choices have been so exciting, their life stories too and my guests never seem to be nervous when talking about music.

I want to keep going for at least a year, it brings me so much joy and I love connecting with people. You can usually see me broadcasting live on Facebook too.

Will I run out of guests? I doubt that, as new people are coming into my life all the time.

Give it a Try

Is there a new skill you could focus on learning, something to get your teeth stuck into? I'd love to know what new skill you'd like to learn.

#MyPrelovedLife : 20/11/18

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The Most Important Grief Book To Read

I came across The Five Invitations (Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully) by Frank Ostaseski whilst listening to an interview with the author and Sam Harris (The Lessons of Death Waking Up Podcast #104)

After listening to that podcast, I had to buy the book. It’s a great read, I’ve also listened to the book on Audible. I was recommended other books on grief but this one stood out for me.

The book includes stories about people living their final days in a Zen Hospice in California. Some are poignant and will move you to tears but their stories taught me so much about the different ways people die, some die with regrets, some at peace, some angry but the thread throughout this book is that we have a choice especially if we pay attention when we’re alive and well.

The essence of this book is encapsulated in this sentence. Live life with death on your shoulders and you’ll have a more fulfilled life.

One of my favourite stories in the book is about a nature-loving couple called Samantha and her terminally ill husband Jeff. Frank supports Samantha by getting her to see her husband through the 4 elements of nature, earth, water, fire and water. It’s one of the most beautiful passages I’ve ever read.

Here are the 5 invitations described in this book.

1. Don’t Wait

2. Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing

3. Bring Your Whole Self To The Experience

4. Find a Place to Rest in the Middle of Things

5. Cultivate Don’t Know Mind

In the final pages of the book, Frank describes the Japanese practice of writing a simple poem just before you die and this is one of my favourites written in 1838 by Moriya Sen’an.

Bury me when I die

beneath a wine barrel

in a tavern.

With luck

the cask will leak

All the poems are brilliant and worth reading.

I feel inspired to write my own death poem. I have to admit, I’ve not done this yet but hopefully I will one day soon.

Live with death on your shoulder and you’ll have a more fulfilled life

Give it a Try

Get this book, it might make you cry but you’ll learn so much from it.

#MyPrelovedLife : 12/11/18

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Kintsugi- Beauty in Imperfection

For twelve months I’ve been planning to get another tattoo, a Kintsugi style tattoo. Kintsugi is a Japanese art form which involves repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Kintsugi treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

I decided I’d like a Kintsugi heart tattoo to represent the transformation I’ve gone through. My broken heart repaired with metaphorical gold lacquer.

I’d been trying to get an appointment at my local tattoo studio for months but there were no appointments. That worked out well for me because, during my trip to Sicily this summer, I went in search of a tattoo studio. I found a studio near to my hotel called Puto Amor, classy, arty and spotlessly clean. I went in on Tuesday to see if I could have an appointment for Thursday, just before travelling back to the UK the next day.

As luck would have it, Augusto Di Felippo, a visiting artist from Rome agreed to design a tattoo for me.

I arrived at the studios in Giardini Naxos at 3 pm and left at 8 pm. I explained to Augusto, the tattooist that I’d been in a relationship for 46 years and that I felt Sicily had helped to heal my heart and that I wanted a kintsugi style heart to represent that healing. Augusto specialises in Japanese tattoos so he knew all about the cracked pottery vases.

His design took 2 hours to draw up and was bigger than I’d expected. I also thought I’d have the tattoo at the top of my leg, but Augusto suggested it would look better on my hip. I went with his ideas and I’m pleased with the results.

The tattooing process started with the transfer design applied to the skin. The ink work took 3 hours. When the first needle dragged across my skin, I felt the painl. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to cope with another 3 hours of this. Although some of the inked lines were painful, there were other times when the sensation of the needle scratching my skin was exquisite. I tried to relax but in truth, I was stiff and tense.

After the main work had been inked, Augusto went out for a break. He said I could get up but I just lay there in a mesmerized state. Augusto returned to fill in the heart cracks with yellow ink. This ink technique was yet another physical sensation.

When Augusto finished my tattoo, he took some photos, told me the design looked sexy and wrapped me up in a band of cling film to protect my skin. I had to keep the film on for 24 hours and after that, I would be able to wash the tattoo gently and apply tattoo cream.

When I stood up, I felt a bit wobbly and walked gingerly out into the waiting area for a taxi.

My tattoo cost €295, a great price considering all the design work and the intricate inking work. When I got back to my hotel my Italian friend Rosa looked after me and told me to eat, all I wanted was a stiff drink. I guess I was in shock after my tattoo experience.

My tattoo took 2 weeks to heal. It is a constant reminder of the intense love I experienced with Steve and it tells the story of how the Sicilian sunlight and the energy of its people, repaired my heart.

Give it a Try

One of my favourite money boxes shaped like an owl smashed. I put all the pieces back together. I made a right mess of it but that doesn’t matter. I still love this money box, to me, it’s even more beautiful now that it’s been repaired. And to think I was going to throw it away!

Have you ever tried to repair something and been disappointed that you could still see the cracks? Why not look at broken things in a new way, see the beauty in the imperfection and be OK with that and you will have a Kintsugi inspired piece of art.

#MyPrelovedLife : 5/11/18

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The Power of Writing

On the day of Steve’s wake, my dear friend Nicki Porter gave me a gift which literally changed my life. It was a blank journal and on the front she’d drawn a heart with our names. She added the year we’d met. 1971.

I had never kept a diary before let alone written in a journal but on April 2nd 2017 I wrote my first journal entry. I’m looking at that first piece of writing now and the poem I’d included by Mary Oliver, In Blackwater Woods:

“you must be able to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go”

Yes, I’m crying now, the tears are running down my face and I’m having intense doubts about sharing my personal life via this blog. The question keeps coming into my mind, should I be raking up all these emotions a year later when I’ve moved on. But the answer that comes back, carry on your words may help others deal with their loss.

This is what I wrote in my journal in April 2017, just a few months after Steve died.

““I don’t want to relive all the horrors of January and February. The medical notes I kept for Steve during that time, I’ve thrown them all away. My aim with this journal is to write about all the amazing things we did in the last 7 months of his life””

— Elene Marsden

“I don’t want to relive all the horrors of January and February. The medical notes I kept for Steve during that time, I’ve thrown them all away. My aim with this journal is to write about all the amazing things we did in the last 7 months of his life”

And that’s precisely what I did, page after page. Not only was the act of writing cathartic at times, I’ve really enjoyed re-reading my words. I loved the 60 things I wanted to thank Steve for page. I was moved to tears by the intensity of those pages.

18 months later, I’ve continued to keep a journal. I’m now on journal #8. I went to Sicily this Summer and during those 3 weeks, I kept an art journal which included a few sketches, I never thought I could do that, another first for me. My mantra is, it’s never too late to try something new.

Give it a Try

Start a journal. Buy a colourful book that will inspire you to write every day. Don’t be too worried about writing nonsense, your journal is just for you. Collect memorabilia to add to your journal pages and photos too.

Do you keep a journal?

What are the benefits do you think? For me, it’s a great way to remember. I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments below.

#MyPrelovedLife : 1/11/18

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Fancy A Retreat?

I’ve been on two retreats recently, both in Sardinia. The first one, just after Steve died, helped so much. A year later I returned to the same place for more healing. When I went on my first retreat in May 2017, I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about my grief but I managed to and that turned out to be one of the best things I did that year.

The retreat was at Annalisa Grova’s house in Putzu Idu, a quiet non-tourist region on the West coast of Sardinia. I had my own apartment and time to myself during the day. We started each day with a poem, often it was one of Rumi’s poems. This quiet time gave me space to reflect, to set my intent for the day.

“The wound is where
the Light enters you”

— Rumi

Annalisa had arranged a programme which included physical activities like hikes along the coast and a natural spa treatment on one of the beaches. Annalisa used to have her own beauty spa in New York so she knows about beauty and healthy living.

The cove we chose for our spa treatment was deserted. We sat down to meditate, concentrating on how we were sitting, listening to the sound of the waves and feeling the gentle breeze on our skins. I started to cry and Annalisa told me that Steve was all around me, kissing away my tears. That image made me smile but the tears continued to spill.

To begin the natural spa treatment we collected grey clay from the crumbling cliffs and moulded the clay into balls, making it easier to rub the clay over our bodies. Next, we lay in the sun to bake for 15 minutes, we looked like a pair of grey Egyptian mummies. Taking handfuls of fine grey sand we exfoliated our bodies to remove the clay. Conveniently, the beach supplied piles of moisture-rich seaweed to wash the sand off our bodies. Toxins within the body had been drawn to the surface by the clay masks, the nutrients from the seaweed had replenished our skin. The final step was to enter the water, a kind of rebirth and regeneration.

As we slowly walked out into the turquoise green sea, I felt a weight lift off my body. I spent 15 minutes in the water enjoying the wonderfully warm sea, I felt alive. Once we were dry, Annalisa cut open a leaf from an aloe vera plant that grows in her garden. The cool soft juice moisturised our skins. It was an incredible experience.

Annalisa’s Facebook page is called Tiramisu for the Soul and during her retreats, she likes to show her guests how to make the Italian dessert, Tiramisu. We made enough for 10 people which meant I was eating tiramisu every day, what indulgence.

I loved our time together, sharing thoughts and ideas but also having time to myself to prepare simple salads, enjoy a glass of red wine whilst listening to the swallows flying overhead.

After 7 days on this beautiful island, I knew the healing process had started.

But there was more, I also learned to trust others. One afternoon we went out with Annalisa’s friend on his 10 metre RIB, a lightweight speedboat. I’d never been on one before. As we pulled out of the harbour, it was breezy but the water was calm, but beyond the harbour the water changed. Kiko, Annalisa’s friend and boat owner, picked up speed as we headed out to sea, leaving the calm coastal waters behind us. Faster and faster we went, driving into the waves which were crashing over the boat.

I was terrified. I thought I was going to die, dramatic, I know.

I thought about Steve and how he would hold my hand and reassure me. I had to make a decision there and then, to put my trust in this crazy thrill seeking Italian or let the fear overwhelm. I chose to trust and for the first time in my life, I trusted someone else.

As soon as I did that, the experience changed, I let myself scream with exhilarated excitement. It was one of those life-changing moments when you can choose how to react. I chose to trust and had an amazing time. After 2 hours on the boat, a visit to a deserted beach and an attempt to fish off the boat, Kiko drove us safely back into the harbour.

Give it a Try

I’d only ever trusted one person in my life, so I had to learn to trust others, to open myself up to others. I didn’t find it easy, to begin with.

Meet a friend who’s good at listening, share how you’re feeling.

Sharing and confiding in others is an important part of the healing journey. Who do you know who's great at listening?

#MyPrelovedLife : 25/10/18

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Mark Your Experiences with a Tattoo

Warning this strategy will not appeal to most people but for me, it marked an important stage in my life.

Before I’d registered Steve’s death, I made an appointment with Zoe a tattoo artist in Ipswich. I wanted her to tattoo the words “One Love” on my wrist. Zoe is a popular designer and normally has a 5-month waiting list but she listened to my story and told me to come back the next day.

And that’s what I did. My son came with me and as I lay down on the bed, Zoe prepared my skin before she inked the words onto my wrist using a beautiful script and white ink to make the lettering pop. She took 15 minutes to complete the tattoo. As I lay there I let go. I can’t say there was any physical discomfort. My son said that I looked like I was having a message I was so relaxed. The truth was I was exhausted and that time on the couch doing nothing felt good.

I love my tattoo, which was inspired by a Valentine’s Card Steve had written for me at the Hospice. His handwriting was more untidy than normal, probably because he was so sick. However, all his punctuation marks were in the right place. Steve was so good with words, he also wrote poetry. I’ll share one of his poems one day.

I am so pleased with my tattoo. I’m always touching it, it's a way to connect with Steve. 18 months later I still think of him whenever I look at my wrist

Give it a Try

I’m not encouraging anyone to have a tattoo, it’s a personal thing and it’s with you for life but you could try a temporary Henna tattoo. There’s usually a Henna stand at festivals and fairs. Pick a design you like. Hearts and butterflies are popular but you could always ask if they can create a one-off design for you. I asked for a special design this year at one of the festivals in Ipswich. I wanted a heart with cracks running through it. This henna tattoo became the inspiration for a larger tattoo I had inked in Sicily this year. I’ll be writing a separate post about this tattoo.

Do you have any tattoos?

Would you ever get one? What would you have?

#MyPrelovedLife : 18/10/18

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How Airbnb Helped with Loneliness

It was 8 months after my husband’s death that I decided to share my home with Airbnb guests. I’d never done anything like this before. I’d had lots of advice from my friend in Barry who’s been letting rooms in her house for 4 years. She explained that it was a great way to meet new interesting people from around the world. I decided to take the plunge. I started by taking photographs of the rooms I wanted to share, my attic room and my purple lizard room. I was worried that I wouldn’t get any bookings as none of my rooms have en-suite bathrooms. I haven’t found that’s stopped people wanting to stay with me but it was certainly something I had to get used to, sharing my bathroom with strangers, fortunately there are 2 toilets in my house.

With my rooms published, I sat back and waited with trepidation. The good thing about Airbnb is that you can chose to accept guests or not. You can look at their reviews, you can check their profiles and decide if you want to let people stay with you. You have complete control.

My first enquiry which led to a booking almost put me off Airbnb completely. A young woman from London wanted to stay with me during the day only enroute to Amsterdam. It did sound fishy, she wanted to pay for the night but only wanted a place to rest for a few hours. I was keen to get started so I said yes. She arrived with her boyfriend at 11.00 am, declined my offer of tea on arrival and just wanted to see the room. My guests “stayed” for 6 hours. I didn’t ask what they were doing in the bedroom for that long but no doubt sex was included.

I remember going to my friend Anabel’s arty party that night and found myself the centre of attention when describing the sex exploits of my Airbnb guests staying in my Purple Lizard lounge !

That was not what I’d expected from Airbnb, luckily it was a one off and despite my misgivings I kept my rooms listed. I’m so glad I did because I’ve had some wonderful guests, some I’d even consider friends because we shared so many wonderful stories.

Here’s just a few guests who’ve joined me over the last 6 months, Jeremy, the Anglican bishop who stayed for one night whilst on a diocesan training course in Ipswich, Matthew, the speech and language student therapist from Norwich University, young Dietrich, the kindergarten chef from Berlin who’d never visited the UK before, Ajay on a BT work placement who flew straight from Mumbai to my place, what a culture shock that must have been, a jazz pianist and his wife picking his daughter up from university in Ipswich, the lead singer from Carole King, the musical Beautiful plus her little tour dog, 2 archaeologists on a local dig near Freston and last week, a tattoo artist from the Netherlands.

Give it a Try

If you have a spare bedroom, consider listing your place on Airbnb. Here’s why, you’ll have social contact, conversation and an income. The rental income is an added bonus and for many this will be important. Living as a single person, my income has been reduced but my bills remain the same. In fact, my car insurance is higher now than when my husband was on the policy. This makes no sense to me.

Take the plunge, find out more about Airbnb. The first time is scary but worth doing.

#MyPrelovedLife : 5/9/18

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The Responsibilities of a Memorial Tree

2 oak trees were planted for Steve in October 2017. The first one was planted at Oakfield Wood, Wrabness, where Steve is buried. The other tree I bought in Cambridge. I arranged for the tree to be delivered to Porthkerry Country Park where Steve and I grew up and where his parents still live.

2018 has been a year of extreme weather, the Beast from the East, a fierce cold snap hit the UK in February followed by one of the driest summers on record. After 60 days of zero rain, I received a call from my mother-in-law to say Steve’s oak tree was struggling. I was planning to visit Barry that weekend and prepared for the worst I found the tree was struggling, all the leaves were dry and the earth around the base of the tree had deep cracks.

The Country Park Wardens were looking after so many freshly planted trees that they just couldn’t keep up with the watering. Whilst I was visiting the tree, I recorded a video asking for help from my Barry friends.

The response was incredible, friends were taking large containers of water to the park. They even obtained special permission from the wardens to use the car park without paying fees. One friend, Peter Barker took manure, fertiliser and a gallon container of water in an effort to help. The video he recorded by the tree made me cry.

A couple I know were visiting Barry for the first time when they heard about requests for help with watering. They found Steve’s tree and even bumped into one of my Barry friends, Bev Jones who was also watering the tree at the same time.

In life, Steve brought people together and so he did in death

We don’t know yet if either tree will survive but I do know that love and care has been shown for Steve’s oak tree at Porthkerry Country Park.

Give it a Try

Some people plant trees, buy memorial benches or one friend made a wildflower garden with its own bug hotel in memory of his wife, Lynne Dyas Wolff, one of my dear school friends.

There are so many ways to commemorate someone’s life. What ideas have you heard?

#MyPrelovedLife : 29/11/18

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Memorialized Facebook Account

It’s 18 months since Steve passed away and there are still things I’ve been reluctant to do, one of them was to memorialize his Facebook account. I’ve decided to do it now and have been researching how to go about it.

It’s worth noting that if you try to change your marital status on Facebook from MARRIED TO WIDOWED you'll get a message saying sorry for your loss, please memorialize this account first and then come back to change your status.

Memorialized accounts are a way for people on Facebook to remember and celebrate those who've passed away. The first thing you need to do is contact Facebook with the account name of your deceased loved one and a copy of the death certificate. Once you hit SEND, you sit back and wait for the confirmation email. I’ve gone through the process now and it takes less than an hour for this update to be done.

 https://www.facebook.com/help/contact/234739086860192

 Some people I know update their status straight away, at the same time as switching utility bills from joint to single accounts but for me it took time. It wasn’t that I hadn’t accepted Steve’s death, I was just not ready to announce to Facebook that my status was changed from married to widowed.

Have you had experience of this?

#MyPrelovedLife : 29/10/18

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Lose Yourself In A Box Set

I’m not saying waste your life watching TV but when you find you’re on your own after a lifetime of companionship there are lots of hours that need to be filled.

I have a Netflix account and earlier this year I watched all 4 Seasons of the Peaky Blinders, it’s not for the faint-hearted, the violence is intense. It’s loosely based around criminal gangs in the Black Country fighting for survival after the First World War. The soundtrack is dark, Red Right Hand by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds which adds to the threatening atmosphere. The main character is Thomas Shelby, played by Cillian Murphy. If you don’t know this actor, he has the bluest eyes which were wonderfully framed during the filming of this series.

Life is all about loss, and when this 4 part series came to an end, I experienced a mini sadness.

What next?

How will I ever find anything as good?

You just find something different, I found HBO series called Rome, another violent series. I watched the first 10 episodes on Netflix but couldn’t find the second series. How frustrating but I wasn’t deterred and visited all the charity shops in Ipswich but eventually found the second series box-set at a video rental shop for just £6. I can use my surround sound TV when I watch movie DVDs. My walls were vibrating with the clashing of swords during the fight scenes, a fully immersive experience.

I’ve progressed onto the adventures of Marco Polo now but I can’t work out what to watch next.

Any recommendations?

Give it a Try

Find a 10 or more part series with multiple seasons and lose yourself for an hour or two each week. I know some people binge watch but I prefer having a weekly routine where the characters become part of my life, at least for a time, until the next loss. When you see that life is all about endings and in turn beginnings, you’ll recognise this is natural and a preparation for bigger losses to come.

#MyPrelovedLife : 22/10/18

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Walking Out By Yourself

If you’ve been in a long-term relationship which has ended due to bereavement or separation, it’s tough getting used to being on your own. I remember the first time I went out for a long walk on my own, 2 months after Steve died.

I was at a Yoga Retreat close to the picturesque Nene Valley. We had free time on Saturday afternoon and I decided to take my video camera and go out for a long walk. I hadn’t gone too far when I was struck by all the couples walking by, chatting, holding hands and although I confidently said, “Good Afternoon” to each one, as they walked by I could feel the emotion rising.

I hoped that each couple appreciated how lucky they were. So often we take for granted how much we have until it’s taken away. I love the song by Passenger, Let Her Go which reminds me of this feeling.

On that afternoon my loss was intense but I also found myself talking to Steve as I walked through the woods carpeted with bluebells. I told him that he would love the green shades of the fresh leaves, the light reflecting on the water and the formations of birds flying overhead. I’m not saying it was easy but I found it was a good way to let go of the sadness by connecting with him.

I like to walk on my own now. They say the first step is the hardest and after that, you just keep going. That’s certainly been true in my experience.

Give it a Try

If you’ve got a dog, then you have a reason to go out each day, if not get a Fit-bit or download a walking app on your phone. Aim for consistency, set aside one or two days a week as your walking days and give yourself a target. Walking is good for your body and mind. If you feel self-conscious, wear headphones and listen to your favourite music or podcast.

Do you go out for walks on your own?

What’s it like for you? Write your comments below.

#MyPrelovedLife : 15/10/18

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Give Up or Give Away?

In the Christian calendar, Lent is the 40 days leading to Easter and is seen as a period of reflection, a time for fasting from food and indulgences. In 2017 Lent began on Wednesday 1st March, the day after Steve died.

Lisa, my sister in law had arrived from America to say her final goodbyes to Steve. The following day she read a Facebook post about a new challenge for Lent, not to give things up but to give things away. Every day for 40 days you had to find something you didn’t want anymore, start a collection and at the end of 40 days take your stuff to your local Charity/Thrift store.

This idea immediately appealed to me. I thought it would be a practical thing to focus on for the next few weeks. Life felt unreal, I needed grounding and the structure and routine of this Lent challenge felt right. I’m also a huge fan of donating clothes to charity shops, I even have my own YouTube Channel all about my passion for second-hand fashion so it was a perfect fit.

On the 4th March, I made a public announcement on my YouTube Channel that I was taking the #40days#40items challenge and urging others to join me, lots of people did. I started with some of my husband’s ties and by the final day of the challenge, on the 7th April my red hot chilli pepper bag was packed full of clothes, belts and accessories ready to donate to the charity/thrift shop.

Here’s the link to my YouTube video. I can hardly believe I had the strength to record that video, there was so much emotion in my eyes but my voice was strong and determined.

Give it a Try

Find a charity challenge that inspires you and make a commitment to complete it. If you’re not ready for a public challenge, make a decision to do something consistently for 21 days, like walking around your local park every day. The main thing is to shift your focus.

You don’t have to climb Kilimanjaro, you could sign up for a 5 K run or try a parachute jump for those more adventurous types or simply volunteer at a local charity a few hours a week. When you shift your focus away from your grief to help others, amazing things can happen.

If the challenge you pick involves preparation and training, on completion you’ll feel satisfaction and a wonderful sense of achievement too.

I did a Google search for charity challenge companies. There’s plenty out there

https://www.discoveradventure.com/challenges/top-charity-challenges

https://www.globaladventurechallenges.com/challenges

Have you ever completed a charity challenge?

What did you do and how did you feel afterwards?

#MyPrelovedLife : 4/10/18

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Life Saving Zumba Dance Moves

The week that Steve got his diagnosis of cancer was the week I went to my first Zumba class. I needed a distraction from the diagnosis and its impact on our lives. I saw the hour-long class advertised at a local community centre. The first thing that struck me was how friendly people were, all ages, all body shapes even a grandfather who came along with his granddaughter. The music was wonderful, rich Latin salsa rhythm as well as Bollywood and Caribbean music.

I remember one particular song from that first class, Ike and Tina Turner singing Proud Mary. We moved across that hall floor waving our arms like paddle steamer wheels to the chorus.

Big wheel keep on turnin'

Proud Mary keep on burnin'

And we're rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river

After just one class, I was hooked even though I couldn’t really do the moves, my hands and feet refused to work together. The teacher, Gabriella Reeve suggested I concentrate on just the footwork, the arms will follow later. Sure enough, 18 months later, I’m doing OK.

As Steve’s health declined I kept going to Zumba class, nobody knew me or knew my story so I didn’t have to talk or give updates, all I had to do was dance.

A few weeks after Steve died I went back to Zumba, I explained to a few people including the teacher what had happened and everyone wrapped me in love. It was in the best place in the world for healing my grief.

Now I aim to go twice a week, the music continues to delight me and new moves are always fun to learn. Sometimes I feel sexy, shaking my hips, other times I feel like a wooden pole especially when I try to shimmy. But I’m moving, it’s a great cardio workout and it’s a good counterbalance to the sadness that sometimes wells up.

My teacher played Ed Sheeran’s song Perfect and explained he wrote this for his girlfriend when they were both teenagers, I had tears rolling down my face but I carried on dancing. I thought about my love for Steve which started when we were both teenagers, we had our whole lives ahead of us. And what a good life it turned out to be. Beautiful memories fill my heart and as I write this now I’m feeling my emotions rising to the surface. My strategy when this happens if I can, and sometimes it’s not possible, is to focus on what an incredible love I had and how much gratitude I have for that love.

Give it a Try

Find an exercise class to try. It’s not just the physical exercise, often there’s a mental aspect, especially if you have to remember complex footwork patterns. You’ll make connections with people and be part of a group and have a routine in your life.

Choose a class where you can find release, where your grief is held at bay for at least the duration of the class.

Extra

You might like an interview I did with Gabriella, my Zumba teacher for my radio show. You can hear what she has to say about the benefits of Zumba and why she loves teaching here .

The interview with Gabriella is 40 minutes into the replay

#MyPrelovedLife : 1/10/18

How I Replaced The Silence in The House

I’d been with Steve for a life-time, well 46 years to be precise, non-stop every day. There were only a handful of times when we were apart. Once when Steve went on a 14 day Vipassana retreat in the heart of the Suffolk countryside and where contact with the outside world was prohibited and a few other times when I went to visit my brother in California. Apart from those times, we were inseparable. When Steve died in February 2017, I had a house full of people but slowly family drifted back to their own lives. As I closed the door to my last guest the silence hit me.

How was It?

Well at first the silence was overwhelming, a feeling of emptiness hung in the air. My son Ryan recommended I listened to American Podcaster Sam Harris.

That one piece of advice helped, I’d walk around the house with my Jam Heavy Metal speaker, booming out Sam’s words. It was a comfort, Sam Harris’s voice was filling the void in the house and during those first few months, an added benefit was that I learnt so much about the dangers of Artificial Intelligence, The Dark Web and Whether Free Will Exists.

Now I’ve progressed to listening to Danielle Bolelli’s History on Fire podcast. He’s got a particularly distinctive Italian voice and I find his words soothing, they put me in a trance, sometimes I have no recollection of what I’d been listening to but those podcasts in the early days served me well.

Give it a Try

Find a topic that appeals to you, the chances are someone has recorded a podcast on that subject, tune in and lose yourself for an hour or two. I find listening to podcasts a useful distraction when carrying out sad tasks like sorting through your loved ones clothes.

#MyPrelovedLife : 3/9/18

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My Preloved Life

My life changed completely when…My husband, Steve Marsden died in 2017.

If you've found this blog by googling words like grief, loss and suffering, you’re probably going through a hard time, perhaps you've lost someone close to you, maybe you've split from your partner or life has just changed for you in some profound way.

I hope this blog will inspire you to keep going and to try different things. I certainly have over the last 5 years.

I'm fully embracing the idea of life's plot twists. In my story I tell myself I'm not the victim instead I’m the author of a rather interesting novel.

My Story

I'm a 60 something woman whose lifelong partner, lover, soul mate and father to my 3 children died in 2017. We had a love affair that lasted for 46 years and 1 day. We met on 27th February 1971, Steve, aka My Rock, died on 28th February 2017. I hold onto the fact that he never stopped loving me until he took his last breath.

I can't be sure when I decided to shift my mindset to focus on everything I have rather than what I've lost. Perhaps it was when I was preparing to talk about our love at Steve's Wake. But this shift was a game changer for me and is still important to this today. Of course, during the last 5 years, I've been overwhelmed by sadness at key anniversaries and there've been times when my grief has hit me like a tsunami wave but I've become resilient, I've embraced a new life, a preloved one.

My blog may not solve all your problems but hopefully, you'll see how I've embraced my new life. You'll never catch me feeling sorry for myself, I have a new perspective, I feel fortunate that I still have a life to live. I will always remember Steve and our incredible life together, his amazing love has powered me on each day and he'll often get a mention in my blog.
If it helps, you can write comments below any of my blogs, especially if they resonate with you and if any of your friends might enjoy reading my words, please share.

For more information about my story, check out this newspaper article 

#MyPrelovedLife : 3/9/18