NLP - Great Strategies For Change

Steve was a huge fan of NLP, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, an approach to communication, personal development and psychotherapy created by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in California in the 1970s.

Steve was an NLP Master Practitioner. He ran an NLP MeetUp group in Ipswich for 10 years. He lived and breathed the principles and helped so many people to live fuller lives by freely sharing his NLP knowledge.

In 2001, for Christmas, Steve bought me a 20-day NLP Practitioners course in London, it was a remarkable present. Ian McDermott was the lead trainer on the course. Ian's book called NLP, The Fundamentals provides an excellent overview if you’d like to learn more.

NLP changed my life because after the first module, all about well-formed outcomes and goal setting, I decided to leave my secure teaching job to set up in business.

NLP has always in the back of my mind and when Steve died I decided to retake the course. I knew it would be a good way to be close to him and at the same time pick up strategies for dealing with grief.

Many of the newest NLP training courses include an element of Neuroscience which I'm also interested in. With a 30% discount for existing practitioners and 4 days of Neuroscience I knew I had to sign up.

For 3 days every month last Autumn, I went up to London for training. The course was excellent and engaging. We were given extra long lunches to get to know people and to talk over what we'd learned. I made some amazing new friends, an extra benefit.

The Meta Mirror is still one of my favourite strategies. I had a concern about one of my family members and it really helped me see the issue from her perspective and to look back on how I could behave differently in light of that experience. I loved the work we did on our Other Than Conscious Mind. It’s when you get to talk to those parts of you that are deep within but control your thoughts and actions. Even now if I’m unsure what to do I’ll just ask. It sounds a bit wacky but it works for me.

Give it a Try

Every year there’s an NLP conference where you get to meet lots of trainers, practitioners and schools offering courses. If you’re interested in finding out more about NLP, I would recommend this conference as a good place to start.

I studied with ITS, International Teaching Seminars https://itsnlp.com/

Have you ever attended an NLP workshop? Was it useful?

#MyPrelovedLife : 7/12/18

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How Journaling Saved Me

My friend, Nicki, gave me my first journal in February 2017. I’d never written in a journal before. Within a month I’d filled it with writing about Steve’s death, his wake at the Duke of York pub where he lay in his cardboard bee motif coffin, his amazing woodland burial in Wrabness conducted by my sister-in-law, a Baptist minister by day but who delivered a perfect Humanist service in keeping with Steve’s non-religious beliefs. There was so much to write about, so much grief to off load.

I started the second journal straight away and this time I wrote about my first healing trip to Sardinia. The third and fourth journals were stuffed full of notes from my 60-day journey halfway around the world. I had lots of time to write especially when I was on the 7 day Trans –Siberian train from Beijing to Moscow.

Whilst on the train I listened to an Audible book by Gabrielle Bernstein, The Universe Has Your Back. I found it very inspiring and wrote deeply profound messages to myself during those long days travelling across Siberia.

Here’s an extract from my journal dated 18th August 2017. It's a set of instructions I wrote to me!

Feel the love of those all around you

Plan your next adventure

Walk along the beach in meditation and stillness, feel whole

Share your love as much as you can

Take heed to love yourself even more

Be the shining light you are already, polish your diamond within, polish each facet and see the light bounce off the walls as you walk through time

Lean towards parallel universes where loved ones still exist

Time, as we know it, is not important, the energy that’s around us is all that matters

Bathe in it, you are not alone and never have been

You know the world differently now

You know everyone is the same

There’s more goodness than darkness

Kindness is all around

Appreciate that kindness, that love and reflect it back to the people you meet along the way

I’m surprised I wrote this. I don’t recognise this as my writing. It’s amazing how grief can manifest itself in such creative ways.

Keeping a diary-style journal has helped in other ways too. I had a limiting belief, “I have a terrible memory”. The truth was that my husband was the one with the powerful memory for life’s details and that suited me. But I decided it was time to tackle this unhelpful belief.

My strategy was to keep track of everything I was doing. I write in my journal every day. Sometimes that’s not possible so I have a catch-up session looking back at the week. I’m always amazed at how much I do, how many wonderful people I meet. When I look back at my notes I’m very grateful that my life is full of incredible experiences.

I’m on journal #9 now, I don’t think I’ll ever give up because I find it so therapeutic. When I went to Sicily I kept an art based journal and for 3 weeks I covered the pages with Brusho paint, I made collages, I even included a few sketches. I completed the final page of this journal when I was waiting for my plane to leave Catania airport, there was a delay of 60 minutes. Instead of feeling fed up with the delay, I was delighted with the extra time I had to finish the final page of my sketchbook.

Give it a Try

Try keeping a diary for 21 days. They say if you do something for 21 days, you’ll form a habit which will be easier to sustain. Consider using an A4 sketch pad to keep notes. The main thing is to start. I’ve heard so many stories about people buying beautiful notebooks and feeling too intimidated to write in them. Your writing, your words don’t have to be perfect, after all, they’re just for you.

Have you ever kept a journal? Are you still journaling today? I’d love to hear your experiences

#MyPrelovedLife : 5/11/18

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The Sourdough Starter Lives On

Steve would have been 63 on Sunday, October 13th. As the day drew closer so my feelings started to intensify. I had distractions planned for the actual day starting at 8 am with the Rugby World Cup game, Wales were playing Uruguay in Japan and ending with a night of live music at my local theatre

But the Saturday night before, the 12th of October, I felt sad, very sad. I was feeling deeply sorry for myself, the day before your partner’s birthday should be a night to celebrate. But when your spouse has passed away and you’re at home on your own, imagining a world full of couples spending a cosy night in together, the sadness is very real. 

That Saturday night I drank a few glasses of wine and through my tears, I decided to re-frame my life. I asked these questions.

What have I gained over these 2 years?

What new places have I visited?

How many new people have I met?

What new experiences have I tried?

 This re-framing technique is used in NLP and it works. I was still emotional that night, ready to cry at any moment but the next day I was able to move forward with renewed purpose.

When you see life more positively, more of the same comes your way. One week after my intense sadness I spoke to my son, he’d flown to Australia from Japan for his best friend’s wedding, a flying 3-day visit. His trip coincided with International Steve Day, a tradition he’d started to mark the anniversary of his Dad’s birthday. I was so warmed by this idea that I will be planning my very own special celebration of International Steve Day in 2020.

I wanted to keep remembering Steve that week and arranged to meet my sister-in-law a few days after Steve’s birthday anniversary, at Highgate, London. We went to Highgate Cemetery where lots of famous people are buried. Perhaps you’d consider this a morbid activity but no, that trip brought home to me the commonplace nature of death, we all die, it’s natural. Grief is natural too but how you deal with it is very personal.

And another revelation that came to me. I’ve always felt that Steve lives on through his children and his grandson, but through his sourdough starter too? That was a revelation.

A few weeks ago I joined a fermentation workshop, the teacher shared a loaf made from a sourdough starter that she’d been using for years. The bread was delicious and reminded me of the bread Steve used to make. He was always very proud of the starter he’d grown from just the natural yeasts in the air.

 I posted the sourdough picture on Facebook and several friends said that they still have Steve’s starter and they regularly make bread from it. Knowing that Steve’s starter lives on is a great comfort to me and who knows one day might even attempt to make sourdough bread myself.

#MyPrelovedLife : 21/10/19

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Growing and Planting Over Easter

For the past 2 years I’ve been away for all the major holidays but this year I decided to stay home and spend time working on the family allotment. Steve had this plot on Spring Road for 10 years, he really enjoyed growing vegetables, he even kept his bees there.

After he died I was determined to keep it going, even though all the odds were stacked against me, the local council didn’t want to transfer the plot into my name and I'd never kept an allotment before.

In the midst of my grief my son, brother and sister in law from California spent 2 days cutting back all the weeds, lifting the soil ready for spring but that was 2 years ago. Since then it's been neglected and the weeds soon grew back.

But this year things were different, I had time and space in my head to give this a go. The first thing was to order a new shed, the old one was leaning at a precarious 45-degree angle. The new bigger shed arrives this Thursday. I'm really looking forward to having a place to hang out, to drink a glass of wine and sit and watch the sunset but.... there’s lots of work to do first.

For 4 days over Easter, I cleared a 20 x 20 feet area. I filled 8 wheelbarrows of weeds. I literally sat on the earth, in the warm soil and pulled up all weeds around me and when that area was clear I moved onto the next patch.

Fortunately I’m only a short walk to the allotment and each day I could see an improvement. I didn’t mind getting muddy, my clothes would go in the washing machine. But as I walked home I was preying that I wouldn’t meet someone on the street with my dirty moustached face. The soil is very sandy, it gets under your fingernails and as for my feet, I'm still scrubbing off the dirt after 3 baths!

But what an achievement, one of the allotment committee members commented, “we’ll make a gardener out of you yet!” I’m not so sure!

I have no idea whether I’ll be able to keep this up, especially as I plan to go travelling for 6 weeks in the summer. Luckily my son who lives locally is interested helping with the allotment.

Just before I left today, I planted 2 rows of dahlia bulbs. If they grow they’ll make a colourful flower edge at the bottom of the plot.

In a few weeks’ time, I’ll plant 4 rows of sweetcorn, tall plants to hide any overgrown spots. I want an easy life this first year.

A very different Easter for me, I’m normally a social animal out with friends but working the soil with bare hands was therapy, the tiredness from physical activity gave me a sense of purpose too.

Yet at a deeper, subconscious level during one of my Easter morning meditations, I started to cry, big tears. I recognised that I was feeling sorry for myself, sad that I didn't have a loved one to talk to, to sit next to on the settee, to share my thoughts after a hard day of physical work. I made a decision to let those thoughts go, they're natural but I won't let them grow.

Holidays can magnify separation and loss but where we focus our attention is optional. My intent is to grow piles of sweetcorn to give away to all my friends. So if you live near me, you’ll need to research sweetcorn recipes.

Thanks for reading this.

I’d love to hear about your growing experiences.

#MyPrelovedLife : 24/4/19

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Loving Hands Massage

Remember the words of the U2 song, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For?

Well, I think I have found what I’m looking, at least for now.

It all started with a foot massage I had from a male therapist in Azerbaijan. When I returned to the UK I decided to look for a male masseur near me.

I found Sam, a masseur based in Bury St Edmunds but who travels to clients homes. Sam specialises in Hawaii LomiLomi massage which translates to Loving Hands.

I was rather nervous waiting for him to arrive, what if I don’t like him, what if he’s too firm. I was full of uncertainty, after all this was a new venture and in my private space.

I needn’t have worried, it was a truly remarkable experience. Sam arrived promptly at 9.00 AM on Saturday morning, with his massage table, room heater, essential oils and a bag of colourful sarongs.

In Hawaii, LomiLomi is typically given at the beach where it's hot, 30+°

It’s not like regular massage and doesn’t involve set sequences, right leg first, then left leg and then lower back. Instead, the therapist works intuitively using arms, hands and elbows with sweeping movements that travel all across your body. That’s why you don’t wear any clothes, only a thin loincloth to cover your modesty.

While I was lying on my front, Sam started the music and began chanting an Hawaiian prayer. He asked me to breathe in deeply three times while he placed his hand on my back. I immediately felt we were breathing in sync.

Sam told me that the sarong with its colourful fringes arranged at the top of my back would be pulled over my body and that I was to imagine waves washing on the shore as the sarong left my body. And there I was naked in my lovely purple lizard lounge, the room hot and the air thick with the heady smell of coconut oil, ylang-ylang and essential orange oils.

I could feel myself relaxing deeply and after about 30 minutes I turned onto my back.

The long sweeping movements now over the front of my body were especially enjoyable, I imagined my whole body being painted in gold. I have no idea why that thought came into my mind but it felt right.

I’d booked a 90-minute massage which included 30-minute reflexology and a facial. I normally like a light touch but Sam's massage technique on my feet was firm and that was just right too. He was just so intuitive.

He massaged my face with frangipani oil, an extract from the beautiful Hawaiian flower, the scent was heavenly, the moves divine.

My 90-minute massage was just perfect and exactly what I was looking for. I’ve missed intimate male energy and the experience of being touched all over made me feel whole again.

Sam told me I had a strong aura. I’m not quite sure what he meant by that but I’ll find out next time I see him. Yes, I’ve already booked a follow-up session in April. I’ve invited one of my friends to come along too, my gift to her for all the fabulous support she’s given me over the last 2 years. I hope she likes it too.

I was told to rest after the massage, do something enjoyable. I read for a while and then fell asleep. When I woke up I had to walk into town to pick up some groceries and as I walked down the high street I felt as if I was floating. I felt whole, connected and beautiful.

I don’t want to be too woo-woo but I was looking for someone like Sam, and I found him, I'd only been back from Azerbaijan for less than a month. So it felt like a small miracle had happened, finding Sam.

The practicalities were that I used a service called BARK which lists local service professionals or in my case, male masseurs.

Sam responded to my requested straight away and after a few text messages, I'd arranged an appointment. I never read any of his testimonials or visited his website, I put my trust in the Universe and it turned out to be a positive experience.

I went outside my comfort zone, for sure. I’ve never had this kind of massage before or even had someone come to my home. But the result is that I now have a regular male masseur who can come to my home.

Sam's LomiLomi massages and his caring holistic approach to his work are just perfect for me right now.

If you’d like to book Sam, here’s his website

If you live outside the area you might find your own male masseur here www.bark.com

Don’t you agree that human touch is so important and can be difficult if you’re not in a relationship?

I’d love to know what you think.

#MyPrelovedLife : 3/4/19

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Rock N Roll Is Here To Stay

he Grand Old Duke of York, a public house, just a few hundred yards from my home has been my refuge, my go-to fun place for the last 2 years.

Sadly it's closing this week.

When my husband Steve died we had his wake at the Duke, his coffin propped up in one corner of the bar. The landlady, Debbie was so cool. She let me serve Steve’s whiskey to everyone. I clearly remember at midday, the air was thick with the smell of single malt whiskeys from around the world. We gave him a good send off at the Duke.

I have so many other memories too, like the talk I gave about my trip to Macchu Picchu. The pub was packed with people keen to hear my story. St Elizabeth’s Hospice also benefited from the donations people made.

At midnight, the very start of 2019 I was at the Duke, dancing and singing along to Matt White and his Emulsions, a fabulous local band. Such fun memories.

Just 18 months ago Steve Pipe became the new pub landlord. He was keen make sure the Duke became the #1 venue for live music in Ipswich. Most weekends he had bands playing, sometimes we were even treated to lazy Sunday afternoon acoustic sets. I particularly liked Martin McNeil’s performance.

I've loved every gig and have videoed many of the artists. I’ve even promoted the Duke on my Preloved Chica Time Capsule Show but sadly the punters just haven't shown up in the numbers required to make the venue sustainable.

Over the last 18 months I’ve watched some great artists play there, Jose Ramirez, a Costa Rican Jazz Blues guitarist on his European tour, members of the band Nine Below Zero and so many talented local stars.

But all this is about to end.

Last night was the final Mid Week Blues in Town event, a monthly blues gig run by Mike Rushmore from the Back Porch Band. He kindly offered to play for free that night.

As usual, when I arrived at the pub Steve reached for my special glass ready to pour my favourite drink, pink gin and tonic. I’ve never had my own glass behind the bar before.

That’s not the only thing behind the bar, If you've ever been to the Duke, you'll know that at a certain time in the evening Steve brings out his tambourine. With the music in full swing the tambourine is passed from person to person. I remember one night when I was measuring my Fitbit steps, I clocked up an extra 10,000 steps just from shaking that tambourine.

I’ve had so many happy times there, I've made new friends and enjoyed random conversations with strangers and all the time feeling part of a tight knit community.

On this last night, a card was presented to Steve, he gave a short speech and said he hoped we would all stay in touch. This was the point when I could feel the tears welling up and yes, I cried. I saw the familiar walls, the stage, the bar, the dance floor and I wept. I was so sad I couldn't even say a proper goodbye to people.

Now it's the following day, I can reflect back on the inevitability of change and practice the art of letting go.

I’m so grateful for everything this place has given me.

I hope I'll find a new place but those rock and roll rhythms and blues riffs at the Grand Old Duke of York will always remain in my heart.

#MyPrelovedLife : 27/3/19

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Meditation Stills My Mind

I’d had some experience with Transcendental Meditation ™ when I was 20. I was given a mantra, whispered in my ear and told never to share this sacred sound with anyone. I never have and even to this day, my mantra is secret.

 They say the teacher will come when the student is ready. Imagine my surprise to discover a brand new Transcendental Meditation ™ Peace Palace had recently opened in my neighbourhood. Before the dust could settle on the New Year (2018), I'd organised an appointment to check my meditation practice.

It was a wonderfully sunny day in early January when I arrived at the Peace Palace, designed by architects to maximize the light, with a central atrium bathed in natural sunlight.

I was asked to take off my shoes and led to one of the practice rooms.

I was told to close my eyes, "thoughts come easily, right?"

"Yes", I said.

Close your eyes I was instructed, "repeat your mantra silently. Easy right"?

"Yes", I said.

 And that was how I got back into Transcendental Meditation, with no effort at all. I’ve been practising every morning for 20 minutes and it feels good. Often my monkey brain jumps all over the place, going from one conversation to another, flying off at tangents, falling down rabbit holes but I’m always grateful that I make time to practice.

Before practising, I go through the ritual of lighting a candle and sitting with my legs crossed. I set my intention to practice for 20 minutes.

Meditating feels like magic during those times when I feel a deep connection with myself. Other times the thoughts that pop up during my meditation will trigger tears to fall. I just let them roll down my cheeks. Those tears wash away my sadness and heal me.

It’s now the start of 2019 and I’ve been practising for a year, just once a day but consistently unless I've been travelling which makes routines hard manage.

Why Is Meditating Good For Me?

• It's my place to be emotional and let my tears flow

• I love connecting with my other than conscious mind

• It's a space to relax and let go of muscle tension

• It can also be a time when new ideas come to me

• When I meditate I feel like I’m off the grid and can’t be reached

• I always feel a sense of achievement after the practice

If you’re interested in learning meditation, my friend Annya has some brilliant free resources on the Wisdom Mind website.

There are plenty of meditation apps teaching meditation too. I like this one created by Sam Harris, Waking Up Podcast

Contact the Peace Palace to find out when the next TM class will be.

For me meditation is all about stopping, focusing on nothing letting go and feeling refreshed.

Give it a Try

Anyone else meditate? What practice do you use?

#MyPrelovedLife : 11/1/19

A Silver Lining At Christmas

This was my second Christmas without Steve. Anniversaries like these are always difficult but this year there was a silver lining.

Imagine my surprise when a case of 12 bottles of wine arrived from Naked Wines. I didn’t look at the label on the box, I just accepted the delivery. I assumed my son had ordered the wine as he was staying with me over Christmas.

The wine case remained unopened in my dining room until his arrival on the 23rd of December.

"Your box of wine arrived," I said.

"I didn’t order any wine,” he said.

How strange. Then I examined the box. It was clearly addressed to my late husband, Steve Marsden. I was puzzled as our joint bank account had been closed 18 months ago.

I opened the case, examined the wines and found a letter from Naked Wines.

In their letter, they explained how they had been trying to contact my husband to refund his account but with no success. The letter went on to describe how they would be refunding his account with wine. As I read the letter, I started to cry.

I remembered that Steve had been an avid supporter of Naked Wines, he’d signed up as a wine angel several years ago. It felt that the arrival of this case of wine just before Christmas was like receiving a gift from beyond.

Fortunately, I had all my family around me this Christmas, we raised a glass to Steve and shared the mystery wine case story with friends.

I would like to thank Naked Wines for their incredible customer service, their surprise wine delivery really made my Christmas this year.

I still have more bottles to enjoy in 2019 and every glass I raise will be for Steve.

#MyPrelovedLife : 2/1/19

Talking To Loved Ones

This weekend would have been my 40th ruby wedding anniversary. Steve and I got married in 1978, we made it to our 38th anniversary but no further. I wanted to remember my anniversary, so I decided to visit the woodland site where Steve is buried. I normally go with other people, usually my middle son because he doesn’t drive. The site in Wrabness, overlooks the River Stour, a beautiful location.

I set off at 11.00 am, in glorious sunshine, there was just one other couple talking in the car park but they were soon on their way. I had the whole place to myself.

The oak tree planted on Steve’s grave last October looked very dry, with the drought this summer I’m not sure if it will survive. I poured some of the water I had over the roots. I’d also brought a toilet roll with me, if I’m going to cry I don’t want to run out of tissues.

I sat down cross-legged in front of Steve’s grave and started talking. It was the first time in 18 months I talked to Steve for over an hour. There was just so much to tell him and I’m normally restrained by the people I have with me.

I told him all the family news, explained how well his mum and dad were doing, my holiday experiences in Sicily, my Airbnb guests, my plans to write blog posts about my life and lots of little things like how the garden was growing and news about life in Ipswich.

On the car journey home I felt emotionally drained but my connection to Steve was stronger. I made a pact to talk more to Steve, to my favourite picture of him which I often kiss before I go to bed.

I’ve done this a few times and it's really powerful. Other people say they have shrines set up in their homes where they can talk to their loved ones. The hardest thing I found was when you ask a question, there’s silence.

It's often in that place of silence, the answer will come.

Perhaps this Anthony Robbins quote provides an explanation.

“All I need is within me now”

— Anthony Robbins

Give it a Try

Do you talk to your deceased loved one? If you’ve never tried it, find a place where you won’t be disturbed take a photo or something else that has a strong connection, turn off your phone and start talking.

What gives you comfort?

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Try Something Completely Different

In November last year, I decided to become a DJ, I’ve never had any radio experience before but I thought it might be fun to learn the skills. I signed up for an intensive 8 session course at Ipswich Community Radio with the Station Manager Nick Kabay and 6 other students. During our training, we were asked to decide what kind of show we wanted. Nick told us he would do his best to find us a slot in the schedule.

I wanted to host a talk show but with a difference. I came up with the name The Preloved Chica Time Capsule Show. It ties in with my Preloved Chica YouTube Channel all about second-hand clothes.

Nick liked my concept and offered me a slot on Wednesdays from 1.00 pm to 2.00 pm. It works like this, every week I invite a guess to share the music that's important to them, very much like the long-running BBC’s Desert Island Discs show. My guests talk about the 4 pieces of music they’ve chosen to go into the ICR Time Capsule. Sometimes we’ll talk about other objects they’d like to put in the time capsule but mostly we talk about the music. I started in January 2018 and now have 38 shows on Mixcloud for people to listen to again.

I’ve had fabulous guests including the Ipswich MP Sandy Martin, the current Mayor Of Ipswich, Jayne Riley but by far my most popular show was on the 29/2/18, the first year anniversary of Steve’s death.

I invited my 3 sons to share the music their dad had introduced them to. It was a moving tribute and has had the most replays on ICR. One of my sons flew in from Baku to be with me live in the studio, another son who lives in Japan recorded a voice clip along with his musical choices. It was such a moving tribute to their wonderful dad.

Here’s the replay link in case you’d like to listen. Somehow I managed to keep my voice strong and steady throughout the whole show.

https://www.mixcloud.com/ICRfm/28-02-18-the-pre-loved-chica-time-capsule-show/

The technical side of broadcasting has become easier with practice over the last 10 months but there’s so much to think about, the musical sound levels, the guest microphone levels and keeping your own microphone off when the music is playing. It’s like tapping your head and drawing circles on your stomach.

Now that the technical side is more automatic, I’m enjoying the chat with my guests. Their musical choices have been so exciting, their life stories too and my guests never seem to be nervous when talking about music.

I want to keep going for at least a year, it brings me so much joy and I love connecting with people. You can usually see me broadcasting live on Facebook too.

Will I run out of guests? I doubt that, as new people are coming into my life all the time.

Give it a Try

Is there a new skill you could focus on learning, something to get your teeth stuck into? I'd love to know what new skill you'd like to learn.

#MyPrelovedLife : 20/11/18

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The Most Important Grief Book To Read

I came across The Five Invitations (Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully) by Frank Ostaseski whilst listening to an interview with the author and Sam Harris (The Lessons of Death Waking Up Podcast #104)

After listening to that podcast, I had to buy the book. It’s a great read, I’ve also listened to the book on Audible. I was recommended other books on grief but this one stood out for me.

The book includes stories about people living their final days in a Zen Hospice in California. Some are poignant and will move you to tears but their stories taught me so much about the different ways people die, some die with regrets, some at peace, some angry but the thread throughout this book is that we have a choice especially if we pay attention when we’re alive and well.

The essence of this book is encapsulated in this sentence. Live life with death on your shoulders and you’ll have a more fulfilled life.

One of my favourite stories in the book is about a nature-loving couple called Samantha and her terminally ill husband Jeff. Frank supports Samantha by getting her to see her husband through the 4 elements of nature, earth, water, fire and water. It’s one of the most beautiful passages I’ve ever read.

Here are the 5 invitations described in this book.

1. Don’t Wait

2. Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing

3. Bring Your Whole Self To The Experience

4. Find a Place to Rest in the Middle of Things

5. Cultivate Don’t Know Mind

In the final pages of the book, Frank describes the Japanese practice of writing a simple poem just before you die and this is one of my favourites written in 1838 by Moriya Sen’an.

Bury me when I die

beneath a wine barrel

in a tavern.

With luck

the cask will leak

All the poems are brilliant and worth reading.

I feel inspired to write my own death poem. I have to admit, I’ve not done this yet but hopefully I will one day soon.

Live with death on your shoulder and you’ll have a more fulfilled life

Give it a Try

Get this book, it might make you cry but you’ll learn so much from it.

#MyPrelovedLife : 12/11/18

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Kintsugi- Beauty in Imperfection

For twelve months I’ve been planning to get another tattoo, a Kintsugi style tattoo. Kintsugi is a Japanese art form which involves repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Kintsugi treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

I decided I’d like a Kintsugi heart tattoo to represent the transformation I’ve gone through. My broken heart repaired with metaphorical gold lacquer.

I’d been trying to get an appointment at my local tattoo studio for months but there were no appointments. That worked out well for me because, during my trip to Sicily this summer, I went in search of a tattoo studio. I found a studio near to my hotel called Puto Amor, classy, arty and spotlessly clean. I went in on Tuesday to see if I could have an appointment for Thursday, just before travelling back to the UK the next day.

As luck would have it, Augusto Di Felippo, a visiting artist from Rome agreed to design a tattoo for me.

I arrived at the studios in Giardini Naxos at 3 pm and left at 8 pm. I explained to Augusto, the tattooist that I’d been in a relationship for 46 years and that I felt Sicily had helped to heal my heart and that I wanted a kintsugi style heart to represent that healing. Augusto specialises in Japanese tattoos so he knew all about the cracked pottery vases.

His design took 2 hours to draw up and was bigger than I’d expected. I also thought I’d have the tattoo at the top of my leg, but Augusto suggested it would look better on my hip. I went with his ideas and I’m pleased with the results.

The tattooing process started with the transfer design applied to the skin. The ink work took 3 hours. When the first needle dragged across my skin, I felt the painl. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to cope with another 3 hours of this. Although some of the inked lines were painful, there were other times when the sensation of the needle scratching my skin was exquisite. I tried to relax but in truth, I was stiff and tense.

After the main work had been inked, Augusto went out for a break. He said I could get up but I just lay there in a mesmerized state. Augusto returned to fill in the heart cracks with yellow ink. This ink technique was yet another physical sensation.

When Augusto finished my tattoo, he took some photos, told me the design looked sexy and wrapped me up in a band of cling film to protect my skin. I had to keep the film on for 24 hours and after that, I would be able to wash the tattoo gently and apply tattoo cream.

When I stood up, I felt a bit wobbly and walked gingerly out into the waiting area for a taxi.

My tattoo cost €295, a great price considering all the design work and the intricate inking work. When I got back to my hotel my Italian friend Rosa looked after me and told me to eat, all I wanted was a stiff drink. I guess I was in shock after my tattoo experience.

My tattoo took 2 weeks to heal. It is a constant reminder of the intense love I experienced with Steve and it tells the story of how the Sicilian sunlight and the energy of its people, repaired my heart.

Give it a Try

One of my favourite money boxes shaped like an owl smashed. I put all the pieces back together. I made a right mess of it but that doesn’t matter. I still love this money box, to me, it’s even more beautiful now that it’s been repaired. And to think I was going to throw it away!

Have you ever tried to repair something and been disappointed that you could still see the cracks? Why not look at broken things in a new way, see the beauty in the imperfection and be OK with that and you will have a Kintsugi inspired piece of art.

#MyPrelovedLife : 5/11/18

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The Power of Writing

On the day of Steve’s wake, my dear friend Nicki Porter gave me a gift which literally changed my life. It was a blank journal and on the front she’d drawn a heart with our names. She added the year we’d met. 1971.

I had never kept a diary before let alone written in a journal but on April 2nd 2017 I wrote my first journal entry. I’m looking at that first piece of writing now and the poem I’d included by Mary Oliver, In Blackwater Woods:

“you must be able to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go”

Yes, I’m crying now, the tears are running down my face and I’m having intense doubts about sharing my personal life via this blog. The question keeps coming into my mind, should I be raking up all these emotions a year later when I’ve moved on. But the answer that comes back, carry on your words may help others deal with their loss.

This is what I wrote in my journal in April 2017, just a few months after Steve died.

““I don’t want to relive all the horrors of January and February. The medical notes I kept for Steve during that time, I’ve thrown them all away. My aim with this journal is to write about all the amazing things we did in the last 7 months of his life””

— Elene Marsden

“I don’t want to relive all the horrors of January and February. The medical notes I kept for Steve during that time, I’ve thrown them all away. My aim with this journal is to write about all the amazing things we did in the last 7 months of his life”

And that’s precisely what I did, page after page. Not only was the act of writing cathartic at times, I’ve really enjoyed re-reading my words. I loved the 60 things I wanted to thank Steve for page. I was moved to tears by the intensity of those pages.

18 months later, I’ve continued to keep a journal. I’m now on journal #8. I went to Sicily this Summer and during those 3 weeks, I kept an art journal which included a few sketches, I never thought I could do that, another first for me. My mantra is, it’s never too late to try something new.

Give it a Try

Start a journal. Buy a colourful book that will inspire you to write every day. Don’t be too worried about writing nonsense, your journal is just for you. Collect memorabilia to add to your journal pages and photos too.

Do you keep a journal?

What are the benefits do you think? For me, it’s a great way to remember. I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments below.

#MyPrelovedLife : 1/11/18

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Fancy A Retreat?

I’ve been on two retreats recently, both in Sardinia. The first one, just after Steve died, helped so much. A year later I returned to the same place for more healing. When I went on my first retreat in May 2017, I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about my grief but I managed to and that turned out to be one of the best things I did that year.

The retreat was at Annalisa Grova’s house in Putzu Idu, a quiet non-tourist region on the West coast of Sardinia. I had my own apartment and time to myself during the day. We started each day with a poem, often it was one of Rumi’s poems. This quiet time gave me space to reflect, to set my intent for the day.

“The wound is where
the Light enters you”

— Rumi

Annalisa had arranged a programme which included physical activities like hikes along the coast and a natural spa treatment on one of the beaches. Annalisa used to have her own beauty spa in New York so she knows about beauty and healthy living.

The cove we chose for our spa treatment was deserted. We sat down to meditate, concentrating on how we were sitting, listening to the sound of the waves and feeling the gentle breeze on our skins. I started to cry and Annalisa told me that Steve was all around me, kissing away my tears. That image made me smile but the tears continued to spill.

To begin the natural spa treatment we collected grey clay from the crumbling cliffs and moulded the clay into balls, making it easier to rub the clay over our bodies. Next, we lay in the sun to bake for 15 minutes, we looked like a pair of grey Egyptian mummies. Taking handfuls of fine grey sand we exfoliated our bodies to remove the clay. Conveniently, the beach supplied piles of moisture-rich seaweed to wash the sand off our bodies. Toxins within the body had been drawn to the surface by the clay masks, the nutrients from the seaweed had replenished our skin. The final step was to enter the water, a kind of rebirth and regeneration.

As we slowly walked out into the turquoise green sea, I felt a weight lift off my body. I spent 15 minutes in the water enjoying the wonderfully warm sea, I felt alive. Once we were dry, Annalisa cut open a leaf from an aloe vera plant that grows in her garden. The cool soft juice moisturised our skins. It was an incredible experience.

Annalisa’s Facebook page is called Tiramisu for the Soul and during her retreats, she likes to show her guests how to make the Italian dessert, Tiramisu. We made enough for 10 people which meant I was eating tiramisu every day, what indulgence.

I loved our time together, sharing thoughts and ideas but also having time to myself to prepare simple salads, enjoy a glass of red wine whilst listening to the swallows flying overhead.

After 7 days on this beautiful island, I knew the healing process had started.

But there was more, I also learned to trust others. One afternoon we went out with Annalisa’s friend on his 10 metre RIB, a lightweight speedboat. I’d never been on one before. As we pulled out of the harbour, it was breezy but the water was calm, but beyond the harbour the water changed. Kiko, Annalisa’s friend and boat owner, picked up speed as we headed out to sea, leaving the calm coastal waters behind us. Faster and faster we went, driving into the waves which were crashing over the boat.

I was terrified. I thought I was going to die, dramatic, I know.

I thought about Steve and how he would hold my hand and reassure me. I had to make a decision there and then, to put my trust in this crazy thrill seeking Italian or let the fear overwhelm. I chose to trust and for the first time in my life, I trusted someone else.

As soon as I did that, the experience changed, I let myself scream with exhilarated excitement. It was one of those life-changing moments when you can choose how to react. I chose to trust and had an amazing time. After 2 hours on the boat, a visit to a deserted beach and an attempt to fish off the boat, Kiko drove us safely back into the harbour.

Give it a Try

I’d only ever trusted one person in my life, so I had to learn to trust others, to open myself up to others. I didn’t find it easy, to begin with.

Meet a friend who’s good at listening, share how you’re feeling.

Sharing and confiding in others is an important part of the healing journey. Who do you know who's great at listening?

#MyPrelovedLife : 25/10/18

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Mark Your Experiences with a Tattoo

Warning this strategy will not appeal to most people but for me, it marked an important stage in my life.

Before I’d registered Steve’s death, I made an appointment with Zoe a tattoo artist in Ipswich. I wanted her to tattoo the words “One Love” on my wrist. Zoe is a popular designer and normally has a 5-month waiting list but she listened to my story and told me to come back the next day.

And that’s what I did. My son came with me and as I lay down on the bed, Zoe prepared my skin before she inked the words onto my wrist using a beautiful script and white ink to make the lettering pop. She took 15 minutes to complete the tattoo. As I lay there I let go. I can’t say there was any physical discomfort. My son said that I looked like I was having a message I was so relaxed. The truth was I was exhausted and that time on the couch doing nothing felt good.

I love my tattoo, which was inspired by a Valentine’s Card Steve had written for me at the Hospice. His handwriting was more untidy than normal, probably because he was so sick. However, all his punctuation marks were in the right place. Steve was so good with words, he also wrote poetry. I’ll share one of his poems one day.

I am so pleased with my tattoo. I’m always touching it, it's a way to connect with Steve. 18 months later I still think of him whenever I look at my wrist

Give it a Try

I’m not encouraging anyone to have a tattoo, it’s a personal thing and it’s with you for life but you could try a temporary Henna tattoo. There’s usually a Henna stand at festivals and fairs. Pick a design you like. Hearts and butterflies are popular but you could always ask if they can create a one-off design for you. I asked for a special design this year at one of the festivals in Ipswich. I wanted a heart with cracks running through it. This henna tattoo became the inspiration for a larger tattoo I had inked in Sicily this year. I’ll be writing a separate post about this tattoo.

Do you have any tattoos?

Would you ever get one? What would you have?

#MyPrelovedLife : 18/10/18

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How Airbnb Helped with Loneliness

It was 8 months after my husband’s death that I decided to share my home with Airbnb guests. I’d never done anything like this before. I’d had lots of advice from my friend in Barry who’s been letting rooms in her house for 4 years. She explained that it was a great way to meet new interesting people from around the world. I decided to take the plunge. I started by taking photographs of the rooms I wanted to share, my attic room and my purple lizard room. I was worried that I wouldn’t get any bookings as none of my rooms have en-suite bathrooms. I haven’t found that’s stopped people wanting to stay with me but it was certainly something I had to get used to, sharing my bathroom with strangers, fortunately there are 2 toilets in my house.

With my rooms published, I sat back and waited with trepidation. The good thing about Airbnb is that you can chose to accept guests or not. You can look at their reviews, you can check their profiles and decide if you want to let people stay with you. You have complete control.

My first enquiry which led to a booking almost put me off Airbnb completely. A young woman from London wanted to stay with me during the day only enroute to Amsterdam. It did sound fishy, she wanted to pay for the night but only wanted a place to rest for a few hours. I was keen to get started so I said yes. She arrived with her boyfriend at 11.00 am, declined my offer of tea on arrival and just wanted to see the room. My guests “stayed” for 6 hours. I didn’t ask what they were doing in the bedroom for that long but no doubt sex was included.

I remember going to my friend Anabel’s arty party that night and found myself the centre of attention when describing the sex exploits of my Airbnb guests staying in my Purple Lizard lounge !

That was not what I’d expected from Airbnb, luckily it was a one off and despite my misgivings I kept my rooms listed. I’m so glad I did because I’ve had some wonderful guests, some I’d even consider friends because we shared so many wonderful stories.

Here’s just a few guests who’ve joined me over the last 6 months, Jeremy, the Anglican bishop who stayed for one night whilst on a diocesan training course in Ipswich, Matthew, the speech and language student therapist from Norwich University, young Dietrich, the kindergarten chef from Berlin who’d never visited the UK before, Ajay on a BT work placement who flew straight from Mumbai to my place, what a culture shock that must have been, a jazz pianist and his wife picking his daughter up from university in Ipswich, the lead singer from Carole King, the musical Beautiful plus her little tour dog, 2 archaeologists on a local dig near Freston and last week, a tattoo artist from the Netherlands.

Give it a Try

If you have a spare bedroom, consider listing your place on Airbnb. Here’s why, you’ll have social contact, conversation and an income. The rental income is an added bonus and for many this will be important. Living as a single person, my income has been reduced but my bills remain the same. In fact, my car insurance is higher now than when my husband was on the policy. This makes no sense to me.

Take the plunge, find out more about Airbnb. The first time is scary but worth doing.

#MyPrelovedLife : 5/9/18

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