The Responsibilities of a Memorial Tree

2 oak trees were planted for Steve in October 2017. The first one was planted at Oakfield Wood, Wrabness, where Steve is buried. The other tree I bought in Cambridge. I arranged for the tree to be delivered to Porthkerry Country Park where Steve and I grew up and where his parents still live.

2018 has been a year of extreme weather, the Beast from the East, a fierce cold snap hit the UK in February followed by one of the driest summers on record. After 60 days of zero rain, I received a call from my mother-in-law to say Steve’s oak tree was struggling. I was planning to visit Barry that weekend and prepared for the worst I found the tree was struggling, all the leaves were dry and the earth around the base of the tree had deep cracks.

The Country Park Wardens were looking after so many freshly planted trees that they just couldn’t keep up with the watering. Whilst I was visiting the tree, I recorded a video asking for help from my Barry friends.

The response was incredible, friends were taking large containers of water to the park. They even obtained special permission from the wardens to use the car park without paying fees. One friend, Peter Barker took manure, fertiliser and a gallon container of water in an effort to help. The video he recorded by the tree made me cry.

A couple I know were visiting Barry for the first time when they heard about requests for help with watering. They found Steve’s tree and even bumped into one of my Barry friends, Bev Jones who was also watering the tree at the same time.

In life, Steve brought people together and so he did in death

We don’t know yet if either tree will survive but I do know that love and care has been shown for Steve’s oak tree at Porthkerry Country Park.

Give it a Try

Some people plant trees, buy memorial benches or one friend made a wildflower garden with its own bug hotel in memory of his wife, Lynne Dyas Wolff, one of my dear school friends.

There are so many ways to commemorate someone’s life. What ideas have you heard?

#MyPrelovedLife : 29/11/18

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Memorialized Facebook Account

It’s 18 months since Steve passed away and there are still things I’ve been reluctant to do, one of them was to memorialize his Facebook account. I’ve decided to do it now and have been researching how to go about it.

It’s worth noting that if you try to change your marital status on Facebook from MARRIED TO WIDOWED you'll get a message saying sorry for your loss, please memorialize this account first and then come back to change your status.

Memorialized accounts are a way for people on Facebook to remember and celebrate those who've passed away. The first thing you need to do is contact Facebook with the account name of your deceased loved one and a copy of the death certificate. Once you hit SEND, you sit back and wait for the confirmation email. I’ve gone through the process now and it takes less than an hour for this update to be done.

 https://www.facebook.com/help/contact/234739086860192

 Some people I know update their status straight away, at the same time as switching utility bills from joint to single accounts but for me it took time. It wasn’t that I hadn’t accepted Steve’s death, I was just not ready to announce to Facebook that my status was changed from married to widowed.

Have you had experience of this?

#MyPrelovedLife : 29/10/18

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Lose Yourself In A Box Set

I’m not saying waste your life watching TV but when you find you’re on your own after a lifetime of companionship there are lots of hours that need to be filled.

I have a Netflix account and earlier this year I watched all 4 Seasons of the Peaky Blinders, it’s not for the faint-hearted, the violence is intense. It’s loosely based around criminal gangs in the Black Country fighting for survival after the First World War. The soundtrack is dark, Red Right Hand by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds which adds to the threatening atmosphere. The main character is Thomas Shelby, played by Cillian Murphy. If you don’t know this actor, he has the bluest eyes which were wonderfully framed during the filming of this series.

Life is all about loss, and when this 4 part series came to an end, I experienced a mini sadness.

What next?

How will I ever find anything as good?

You just find something different, I found HBO series called Rome, another violent series. I watched the first 10 episodes on Netflix but couldn’t find the second series. How frustrating but I wasn’t deterred and visited all the charity shops in Ipswich but eventually found the second series box-set at a video rental shop for just £6. I can use my surround sound TV when I watch movie DVDs. My walls were vibrating with the clashing of swords during the fight scenes, a fully immersive experience.

I’ve progressed onto the adventures of Marco Polo now but I can’t work out what to watch next.

Any recommendations?

Give it a Try

Find a 10 or more part series with multiple seasons and lose yourself for an hour or two each week. I know some people binge watch but I prefer having a weekly routine where the characters become part of my life, at least for a time, until the next loss. When you see that life is all about endings and in turn beginnings, you’ll recognise this is natural and a preparation for bigger losses to come.

#MyPrelovedLife : 22/10/18

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Walking Out By Yourself

If you’ve been in a long-term relationship which has ended due to bereavement or separation, it’s tough getting used to being on your own. I remember the first time I went out for a long walk on my own, 2 months after Steve died.

I was at a Yoga Retreat close to the picturesque Nene Valley. We had free time on Saturday afternoon and I decided to take my video camera and go out for a long walk. I hadn’t gone too far when I was struck by all the couples walking by, chatting, holding hands and although I confidently said, “Good Afternoon” to each one, as they walked by I could feel the emotion rising.

I hoped that each couple appreciated how lucky they were. So often we take for granted how much we have until it’s taken away. I love the song by Passenger, Let Her Go which reminds me of this feeling.

On that afternoon my loss was intense but I also found myself talking to Steve as I walked through the woods carpeted with bluebells. I told him that he would love the green shades of the fresh leaves, the light reflecting on the water and the formations of birds flying overhead. I’m not saying it was easy but I found it was a good way to let go of the sadness by connecting with him.

I like to walk on my own now. They say the first step is the hardest and after that, you just keep going. That’s certainly been true in my experience.

Give it a Try

If you’ve got a dog, then you have a reason to go out each day, if not get a Fit-bit or download a walking app on your phone. Aim for consistency, set aside one or two days a week as your walking days and give yourself a target. Walking is good for your body and mind. If you feel self-conscious, wear headphones and listen to your favourite music or podcast.

Do you go out for walks on your own?

What’s it like for you? Write your comments below.

#MyPrelovedLife : 15/10/18

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Give Up or Give Away?

In the Christian calendar, Lent is the 40 days leading to Easter and is seen as a period of reflection, a time for fasting from food and indulgences. In 2017 Lent began on Wednesday 1st March, the day after Steve died.

Lisa, my sister in law had arrived from America to say her final goodbyes to Steve. The following day she read a Facebook post about a new challenge for Lent, not to give things up but to give things away. Every day for 40 days you had to find something you didn’t want anymore, start a collection and at the end of 40 days take your stuff to your local Charity/Thrift store.

This idea immediately appealed to me. I thought it would be a practical thing to focus on for the next few weeks. Life felt unreal, I needed grounding and the structure and routine of this Lent challenge felt right. I’m also a huge fan of donating clothes to charity shops, I even have my own YouTube Channel all about my passion for second-hand fashion so it was a perfect fit.

On the 4th March, I made a public announcement on my YouTube Channel that I was taking the #40days#40items challenge and urging others to join me, lots of people did. I started with some of my husband’s ties and by the final day of the challenge, on the 7th April my red hot chilli pepper bag was packed full of clothes, belts and accessories ready to donate to the charity/thrift shop.

Here’s the link to my YouTube video. I can hardly believe I had the strength to record that video, there was so much emotion in my eyes but my voice was strong and determined.

Give it a Try

Find a charity challenge that inspires you and make a commitment to complete it. If you’re not ready for a public challenge, make a decision to do something consistently for 21 days, like walking around your local park every day. The main thing is to shift your focus.

You don’t have to climb Kilimanjaro, you could sign up for a 5 K run or try a parachute jump for those more adventurous types or simply volunteer at a local charity a few hours a week. When you shift your focus away from your grief to help others, amazing things can happen.

If the challenge you pick involves preparation and training, on completion you’ll feel satisfaction and a wonderful sense of achievement too.

I did a Google search for charity challenge companies. There’s plenty out there

https://www.discoveradventure.com/challenges/top-charity-challenges

https://www.globaladventurechallenges.com/challenges

Have you ever completed a charity challenge?

What did you do and how did you feel afterwards?

#MyPrelovedLife : 4/10/18

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Life Saving Zumba Dance Moves

The week that Steve got his diagnosis of cancer was the week I went to my first Zumba class. I needed a distraction from the diagnosis and its impact on our lives. I saw the hour-long class advertised at a local community centre. The first thing that struck me was how friendly people were, all ages, all body shapes even a grandfather who came along with his granddaughter. The music was wonderful, rich Latin salsa rhythm as well as Bollywood and Caribbean music.

I remember one particular song from that first class, Ike and Tina Turner singing Proud Mary. We moved across that hall floor waving our arms like paddle steamer wheels to the chorus.

Big wheel keep on turnin'

Proud Mary keep on burnin'

And we're rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river

After just one class, I was hooked even though I couldn’t really do the moves, my hands and feet refused to work together. The teacher, Gabriella Reeve suggested I concentrate on just the footwork, the arms will follow later. Sure enough, 18 months later, I’m doing OK.

As Steve’s health declined I kept going to Zumba class, nobody knew me or knew my story so I didn’t have to talk or give updates, all I had to do was dance.

A few weeks after Steve died I went back to Zumba, I explained to a few people including the teacher what had happened and everyone wrapped me in love. It was in the best place in the world for healing my grief.

Now I aim to go twice a week, the music continues to delight me and new moves are always fun to learn. Sometimes I feel sexy, shaking my hips, other times I feel like a wooden pole especially when I try to shimmy. But I’m moving, it’s a great cardio workout and it’s a good counterbalance to the sadness that sometimes wells up.

My teacher played Ed Sheeran’s song Perfect and explained he wrote this for his girlfriend when they were both teenagers, I had tears rolling down my face but I carried on dancing. I thought about my love for Steve which started when we were both teenagers, we had our whole lives ahead of us. And what a good life it turned out to be. Beautiful memories fill my heart and as I write this now I’m feeling my emotions rising to the surface. My strategy when this happens if I can, and sometimes it’s not possible, is to focus on what an incredible love I had and how much gratitude I have for that love.

Give it a Try

Find an exercise class to try. It’s not just the physical exercise, often there’s a mental aspect, especially if you have to remember complex footwork patterns. You’ll make connections with people and be part of a group and have a routine in your life.

Choose a class where you can find release, where your grief is held at bay for at least the duration of the class.

Extra

You might like an interview I did with Gabriella, my Zumba teacher for my radio show. You can hear what she has to say about the benefits of Zumba and why she loves teaching here .

The interview with Gabriella is 40 minutes into the replay

#MyPrelovedLife : 1/10/18

How I Replaced The Silence in The House

I’d been with Steve for a life-time, well 46 years to be precise, non-stop every day. There were only a handful of times when we were apart. Once when Steve went on a 14 day Vipassana retreat in the heart of the Suffolk countryside and where contact with the outside world was prohibited and a few other times when I went to visit my brother in California. Apart from those times, we were inseparable. When Steve died in February 2017, I had a house full of people but slowly family drifted back to their own lives. As I closed the door to my last guest the silence hit me.

How was It?

Well at first the silence was overwhelming, a feeling of emptiness hung in the air. My son Ryan recommended I listened to American Podcaster Sam Harris.

That one piece of advice helped, I’d walk around the house with my Jam Heavy Metal speaker, booming out Sam’s words. It was a comfort, Sam Harris’s voice was filling the void in the house and during those first few months, an added benefit was that I learnt so much about the dangers of Artificial Intelligence, The Dark Web and Whether Free Will Exists.

Now I’ve progressed to listening to Danielle Bolelli’s History on Fire podcast. He’s got a particularly distinctive Italian voice and I find his words soothing, they put me in a trance, sometimes I have no recollection of what I’d been listening to but those podcasts in the early days served me well.

Give it a Try

Find a topic that appeals to you, the chances are someone has recorded a podcast on that subject, tune in and lose yourself for an hour or two. I find listening to podcasts a useful distraction when carrying out sad tasks like sorting through your loved ones clothes.

#MyPrelovedLife : 3/9/18

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My Preloved Life

My life changed completely when…My husband, Steve Marsden died in 2017.

If you've found this blog by googling words like grief, loss and suffering, you’re probably going through a hard time, perhaps you've lost someone close to you, maybe you've split from your partner or life has just changed for you in some profound way.

I hope this blog will inspire you to keep going and to try different things. I certainly have over the last 5 years.

I'm fully embracing the idea of life's plot twists. In my story I tell myself I'm not the victim instead I’m the author of a rather interesting novel.

My Story

I'm a 60 something woman whose lifelong partner, lover, soul mate and father to my 3 children died in 2017. We had a love affair that lasted for 46 years and 1 day. We met on 27th February 1971, Steve, aka My Rock, died on 28th February 2017. I hold onto the fact that he never stopped loving me until he took his last breath.

I can't be sure when I decided to shift my mindset to focus on everything I have rather than what I've lost. Perhaps it was when I was preparing to talk about our love at Steve's Wake. But this shift was a game changer for me and is still important to this today. Of course, during the last 5 years, I've been overwhelmed by sadness at key anniversaries and there've been times when my grief has hit me like a tsunami wave but I've become resilient, I've embraced a new life, a preloved one.

My blog may not solve all your problems but hopefully, you'll see how I've embraced my new life. You'll never catch me feeling sorry for myself, I have a new perspective, I feel fortunate that I still have a life to live. I will always remember Steve and our incredible life together, his amazing love has powered me on each day and he'll often get a mention in my blog.
If it helps, you can write comments below any of my blogs, especially if they resonate with you and if any of your friends might enjoy reading my words, please share.

For more information about my story, check out this newspaper article 

#MyPrelovedLife : 3/9/18