Solo Festival Goer

For the last 30 years, Steve and I have been going to the annual World of Music and Dance Festival, WOMAD, at Charlton Park in Malmsbury. The last time I went was the day Steve had his second course of chemotherapy. Normally we’d go camping but this time we decided to stay in a pub for comfort. I drove and Steve rested. We arrived at the festival just in time to see George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic on the main stage performing Atomic Dog. Steve was so happy to be there, I was so amazed at his strength and determination. I haven’t been back to WOMAD since, partly because of the intense memories but also because I’m rubbish at putting up a tent that was always Steve's job!

This year I decided to go to Folk East, a smaller festival in Suffolk held in the grounds of Glemham Hall. The venue is close to my home so I could go for the day.

I was keen to see my favourite band, The Oysterband. They’ve been touring for 40 years. I’ve seen them perform many times, they never disappoint. This year they were the headline act on the main Sunshine Stage at 9.30 pm.

I arrived at the festival at mid-day. I wasn’t sure how I’d occupy myself for the next 9 hours but I soon got into the solo festival goer experience.

My first stop was to visit St Elizabeth’s Hospice charity shop tent to look at the clothes. I wasn’t sure I’d brought enough warm layers with me, the air temperature felt cool for August. I purchased the most beautiful pair of black leggings covering in sequins, perfect for any festival goer. By the time I left the charity tent, the sun had come out but I was sure I’d be able to use the leggings later in the evening.

Now here’s an interesting fact, if you want people to talk to you, take a notepad and make copious notes. I was sat outside Café Mobile drinking coffee and writing in my journal, I had 5 days of catch up. I was writing fast and furious and it wasn’t long before someone asked me if I was writing a book. The conversation kicked off, the connections were made as I explained my story. Later in the day, I was delighted to bump into someone “I knew”.

I decided to get a drink from one of the small bars and sat next to Vanda, Jasper and Suzanne. They were curious too about my writing but they were slightly more interested in drinking than talking to me! At one end of the tent, Capstan Full Strength was singing sea shanties when some members of the acapella choir Magnificent AK47s walked into the beer tent. The last time I’d seen this choir was in Birmingham New Street Station last year. I stopped to watch their set, lost track of time and ended up late for my meeting. Definitely worth it though.

The choir leader conducted an impromptu set in the beer tent starting with their fabulous version of Delilah

They did two more songs and then the flash mob disappeared into the crowds.

I wandered around looking for one of the bars to buy a cider. My dear friends Caroline and Allan were on shift duty. As soon as their shift finished they joined me outside and together we watched the sunset over the Folk East marquees and crowds.

It was starting to get cooler now so I said goodbye to my friends and went back to the car to put on my leggings, trainers, socks and jumper. I switched my shades for my warm blanket. I was ready for the evening now.

Back on the festival site, I ordered food from the Mexican Cantina, a delicious pitta wrap full of salad, hummus and grilled halloumi, perfect. I was feeling a bit chilly but too early for the blanket so I went into the Broad Roots tent to watch Geoff Higgingbottom, a crazy singer from Stockport. I loved his northern humour and his version of Steve Earle's classic Copperhead Road. From there I squeezed into the packed Moot Hall to watch the acapella group, The Wilson Family. They had great harmonies and banter but I had to leave before the end of their set to get ready for the Oysterband at 9.30 pm.

The stage was semi-lit, the crowds were gathering. I found a great position standing right at the very front. The Oysterband had traveled straight from the Cropredy Festival. The lead singer, Jonathan Jones is very charismatic. When he raises his arms above his head to sing, it’s like he’s being channelled by a higher force.

The songs kept on coming, we danced like wild things and then they performed “Dancing As Fast As You Can”.

For some reason, the lyrics touched me and the tears started to pour down my face. Although I was at the front nobody seemed to notice my sadness. I wiped them away at the end of the song, took a deep breath and carried on dancing, dancing as fast as I could.

The power of my emotion surprised me, my response too but inside I felt proud of myself for being out there.

The set was wonderful, I loved the encore, Put Out The Lights. I recorded a version of this on my iPhone when the Oysterband played in Ipswich in 2013.

The crowds dispersed, it was late and I was feeling really tired. I had to pick my way, in the dark, across the uneven fields back to the car park and it was at this point that I felt alone and sad with no-one to share the day with.

The drive home was hard, I was tired. I’d been out in the fresh air for over 12 hours but the day had been wonderful. I know I can go to a festival on my own, now. It was a landmark for me.

Give it a Try

Find a music event, it doesn’t have to be a day-long festival, buy a single ticket, take a step outside your comfort zone and go solo.

Have you ever been to a festival or gig on your own? What was it like?

#MyPrelovedLife : 18/8/18

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The First Year is the Hardest

The first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first year of a loved one's passing is full of intense memories that brings your loss close to the surface.

When my first wedding anniversary approached, I was travelling across Russia. I climbed on board the Trans-Siberian train on the actual anniversary day,12th August. I didn’t have much time to think about being sad, I was sharing a cabin for the next 3 days with Ruth, a judo teacher from Exeter. As the train travelled across Siberia I shared my story with Ruth. In so many ways it felt good to be on the other side of the planet, away from all the harsh memories.

On my second wedding anniversary, this year didn’t want to be travelling, I wanted to be at close to home. At mid-day, I took a lots of tissues and went to Steve’s burial site and cried for an hour. When you cry that much you feel drained. I didn’t feel like doing much for the rest of the day but the following day, as if knowing what would be good for me, I’d booked onto an Airbnb Experience, a therapeutic 2 hours photo shoot around Cambridge with Aina. We had grief in common, 4 years ago her husband died. She knew I wanted photos for this website and took extra time to provide me with these amazing images. Yet another step on my journey living with loss, inspiring others along the way.

On the first anniversary of Steve’s death, I did a live Radio Tribute Show. A very moving and cathartic experience for me and my 3 sons who were part of that radio show.

The recording had been my most popular downloaded to date.

Tribute to Steve Marsden Radio Show

Anniversaries will come around every year and I know with time the emotional intensity will lessen. But right now when an anniversary looms, like Christmas only 2 weeks away, it can feel overwhelming.

Give it a Try

Don’t bottle up your emotions, be sad and cry if you can but always have something to look forward. Plan a trip somewhere new or an activity you have never done before.

Tomorrow is another day in the rest of your life

What do you do when those anniversaries come around?

#MyPrelovedLife : 17/12/18

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To Meet Up or Not to Meet Up

So many people feel lonely when dealing with bereavement. During the grieving period which will vary from person to person, you may not want to go out but I remember one piece of advice.

If you get an invitation to go somewhere, force yourself to say, yes.

I followed that advice, I went out for dinner, to the movies and to see plays with friends. At some point, the sympathy invites will stop and you’ll be expected to get on with life.

I’m OK going out on my own. I made a conscious effort to go to the cinema, go out for meals, watch bands at my local pub on my own. It can feel odd by yourself, lonely at times but the way I see it, I live a solo life now and I just have to get on with it.

Many people live alone, I know, but I had to adjust to not having a partner right there beside me. Whenever I’m feeling sorry for myself, I say to myself, thank you, Steve, for everything. I really appreciate you.

But what if you haven’t got too many friends, you don’t like going out on your own and you’re ready to make new friends? In Suffolk, there are #MeetupMondays, morning sessions for people to share coffee and cake in various locations.

It’s a win-win situation because MeetUpMondays™ give hospitality businesses the opportunity to showcase their lovely, friendly pub, cafe, tea room or hotel lounge, as a warm welcoming place.

There’s one at my local pub, the Greyhound, Ipswich

When you arrive at the venue, there’s always someone there to greet newcomers. It might not be easy to walk into a pub at night on your own but to call into your local pub for a coffee and a chat is much easier especially when you receive a warm welcome on arrival.

Give it a Try

Search your area for a #MeetUpMonday group. If there isn’t one, approach your local pub to see if you can set one up. Find out how to host a #MeetUp in your area

There are also more themed #MeetUps and evening social events at local restaurants. While I was researching for this blog I signed up for the Travel Chat Meet Up. I have no idea what it will be like but sometimes you have to step right out of your comfort zone. They’re planning to talk about travelling through Moscow, that’ll be good for me as last year I went on the Trans-Siberian from Beijing to Moscow.

Have you ever been to a #MeetUp? What was it like?

#MyPrelovedLife : 10/12/18

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Who's Going to Throw Out the Spider

Every Autumn, the biggest spiders in the world come into my house and make their way to my downstairs bathroom. I’m such a wimp when it comes to spiders. It was always Steve’s job to remove any arachnids. Sometimes I might cover a spider with a pint glass ready for Steve to throw it out later.

Imagine my horror this year, in May to discover the biggest ever spider not downstairs but upstairs in my bedroom and just above my bed. I looked at it and felt sick. Would it even fit under a pint glass? Breaking out of the trance I was in, I decided to fetch a glass from the kitchen and find a piece of card to cover the glass and trap the beast.

I’d been gone just 3 minutes, when I got back upstairs, shock horror the spider was no longer on the wall. I couldn’t see it anywhere, it had disappeared. Should I sleep in another room tonight? I really didn’t know what to do, the thought of that spider running over my bed gave me the shivers.

What a nightmare.

The only thing I could do was to re frame how I look at spiders. I tried to think of spiders as perfect creatures, doing no harm to humans, in fact helping us by catching flies. I managed to sleep in my own bed that night and forgot about the spider.

7 days later….

I woke up one morning and there was the spider wrapped up in my net curtain on the other side of the bedroom. How many times had it run across my bedroom floor I wondered? This time I was determined to catch this spider and remove it from my home. Instead of using a pint glass I decided to take down the net curtain, bundle everything up and take it into the garden. I opened up the curtain and returned an hour later, the spider had gone, relieved to be back in nature, I’m sure.

I was so proud of myself too. To continue my new relationship with spiders, this Autumn I’m keeping track of the number of spiders I’ve successfully removed by recording numbers on a notice board.

Several of my friends suggested I get one of these spider capturing devices.

Have you used one? Do they work? Let me know

Give it a Try

You might love spiders, so my story won’t impact you but if there’s something else that causes you to faint, try looking at your experience in a different way. We can choose how we react to situations, it’s called re-framing and is a technique used in NLP to remove lifelong phobias in minutes. It works.

#MyPrelovedLife : 11/10/18

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Solo Travelling in Sicily

If you’re not sure about travelling abroad on your own, my first piece of advice is to find an independent travel agent. It’s not as expensive as you might think. Travel agents know where to find the best deals and cheap flights.

I was keen to go back to Sardinia this year before visiting Sicily for the first time. I’d never been to Sicily before and wanted to join an organised tour for the first week and then have some time on my own to relax. Travel with Jules organised the whole trip, flights, including internal ones, a 7-day Sicilian tour, and the wonderful hotel I stayed in for the final week.

You can read more about my time in Sardinia with Annalisa here.

As I walked through customs into Sicily from Sardinia I was surprised that they didn’t check my passport and then I realised these 2 islands are all part of Italy. Obvious when you think about it.

I collected my luggage and had my first opportunity to speak Italian. My taxi driver, Sarne, whisked me off to the Hotel Liberty in Catania explaining that he only spoke a little English. Probably better than my Italian I thought.

Every night for 4 weeks prior to my trip I'd practised Italian on my phone app Memrise. This language app is excellent. You get to repeat Italian phrases into your phone and can only move on when you hear “Perfecto”. I like the part when you learn with the locals and have to recognise crazy sentences like “Sei ammalato, you’re sick!” I never once had the opportunity to use that phrase when I was in Sicily.

By the time I was packing up ready to start my Italian adventure, I’d learnt 350 words on Memrise, not bad at all. If you’re curious to know what clothes I took to Italy, you can watch my What To Pack video on YouTube.

That first night in Catania, Sicily’s ancient port city was a challenge. The hotel receptionist told me to go right for restaurants or left for the main street, Via Etnea. I chose right, the wrong move! As I walked down Via Plebiscito, 7 pm at night, too early for the locals to eat, I was aware of groups of men hanging around on street corners, some lighting braziers for the trattorias specialising in grilled foods.

I felt really uncomfortable walking on my own in this area, I couldn’t see any other tourists so I turned around and had to walk past the men again. That was a scary time for me but the fear was in my head. I approached the hotel and this time I turned left, just a few streets later, I was in the thick of a bustling restaurant scene with hordes of people.

I found a restaurant close to an open-air stage in front of the University where a concert was being held for refugees. I ordered spaghetti con vongole with white wine. The alcohol smoothed away the stresses of the evening and I was glad that my earlier experience didn’t spoil my night.

My taxi driver had told me to watch out for pickpockets in Catania so I think that’s why I was nervous. Before I left the hotel, I’d taken precautions. I'd put my money in a body belt and I’d made sure I wasn’t carrying my phone or a map. It’s important to walk tall and not to look like a victim. That first night was the only time I felt anxious during my entire stay in Sicily.

After a good night’s sleep in the art deco Hotel Liberty, my next destination was Taormina to pick up my tour. I was expecting a coach full of tourists but instead, a 6 seater black Mercedes was waiting for me. Sergio the driver, Angelo the guide and Anna from Nuremberg was the only guest. For 7 days we were treated like VIPs, visiting places that coaches can’t reach.

One of my favourite trips was to Marsala where Antonio and his wife Adora who are winemakers, prepared tasty snacks and served 3 different kinds of wines to sample. The winery has been in the family for the last 100 years, the high ceiling cantina was like a museum full of family antiquities. It was a boozy afternoon with a free-flowing conversation about love and passion. I’ve noticed that the Italians are not afraid to talk about sex and amore. I really like their openness and warm-heartedness.

Agrigento was also spectacular with its Valley of the Temples, where you can walk amongst wonderfully preserved Greek temples looking out over the Mediterranean. I liked the bustling capital, Palermo with its shrine to Santa Rosalia where people to this day, pray for healing for their loved ones. The vast cave is full of messages written on scraps of paper, stuffed into the cave wall crevice. The island off Syracuse, called Ortigia, has amazing fountains with fresh water Palmyra plants growing right next to the sea.

Sicily is packed full of history and culture. The climate is wonderful, the food outstanding. I love it and want to go back soon.

Give it a Try

Where in the world have you always wanted to visit? Make some enquiries today about how you could get there, who you would go with. Immerse yourself in the research and who knows, one day you might visit your dream destination.

Where would you like to visit? Perhaps you’ve already been there. I’d love to know in the comments below.

#MyPrelovedLife : 5/10/18

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Eating For One

In the early few months after Steve passed away, friends rallied around, inviting me to dinner, bringing hot soups to the house, one friend Susannah made a vegetable lasagne large enough to feed the street. People were so kind but there comes a time when you really have to get back into preparing your own meals. I don’t find it so easy to cook for one. I always make more of an effort when my son comes for a meal. I usually cook extra so I can reheat the leftovers the next day.

But what exactly am I eating?

Breakfast

I make smoothies most mornings, I use a Kefir base with bananas, grapes, sometimes spinach and kale. I make a whole pint and pour it into my favourite Birra Moretti glass. I like to add bright beetroot powder to give my smoothies extra colour.

I’ve only just been introduced to Kefir, a drink made from fermented milk grains. Every 2 or 3 days you strain the milk liquid and use it for smoothies and then add fresh milk to the grains to repeat the cycle.

I made this video with my friend John who gave me the starter grains. He loves kefir and drinks it every day.

Kefir is a cultured, fermented milk drink, originally from the mountainous region that divides Asia and Europe. It is similar to yogurt – but a drink, with a tart, sour taste and a slight ‘fizz’. This is due to carbon dioxide – the end product of the fermentation process. Kefir is a good source of calcium and is rich in probiotic bacteria.

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/health-benefits-kefir

Lunch

Sometimes I’ll skip lunch. For those steady 3 meals a day people, you’ll find this hard to understand but if I do eat lunch I love a salad dripping in olive oil with a ripe avocado.

Dinner

I’m not a strict vegetarian, my travel experiences across Japan and China last year made it impossible to eat just vegetables. At home, I mostly cook veggie meals. I love Quorn and pesto sauce and will often knock up a stir-fry or a rich tomato sauce for spaghetti, my favourite pasta dish right now. I enjoy a crispy jacket potato and during the winter months, I use my slow cooker to cook chickpeas and kidney beans overnight so they’re super soft. My slow cooker comes with chalk and a black surface so you can write on it.

What do you like to cook/eat?

One of the scariest firsts for me was inviting friends over to my house for a meal. When you’re a couple, one person usually looks after the guests, filling up the drinks while the other person focuses on cooking. When there’s only one, you have to do everything. It takes longer to prepare everything, Steve used to chop the vegetables and organise the seating, now I get everything ready. Once the invites to friends had gone out I had a feeling of dread, but I had a plan.

When my first guest arrived, I put them in charge of the drinks, I asked another friend to serve the food out while I brought the prepared food to the table. Friends will be there for you and will want to help.

Give it a Try

Invite a friend over for dinner. If you can’t face cooking, invite people over for drinks and nibbles or order takeaway pizzas, I’ve done that. It will feel strange at first but it’s important to keep friendships going and sharing your stories over a meal with a good glass of wine is wonderful.

I still don’t do as much entertaining as I used to but it’s I plan to do more this year.

Please share dishes you like to cook in the comments

#MyPrelovedLife : 19/9/18

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